Is Forgiveness Always Healthy?

Must we forgive whenever someone does us wrong? Forgiveness was perhaps "the" central word that was emphasized to me when I was growing up in the Christian church. We were to forgive one another, even turn the other cheek when someone did us wrong. But mostly, forgiveness was central to the Christian story. It was Jesus' reason for being. God sent his son to earth in human form in order for him to make the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. Jesus was nailed to a wooden cross, his side pierced in our stead, for our transgressions. Even 15 years after I stopped believing in the evangelical church's interpretation of the Jesus narrative, I am still emotionally compelled by it. I still vividly remember sitting through Good Friday services and having tears stream down my face as members of the church portrayed centurions marching up the center aisle. And then came "Jesus," carrying his cross, stumbling under exhaustion, with "blood" dripping down his face from the crown of thorns that pierced his head. I wept for him, but even more so out of guilt because I put him there.

But this post isn't primarily about my shift of how I view the Christian Easter story or who Jesus was, it's about forgiveness in general. I do think that the idea of forgiving others comes largely, at least for me, from the huge influence of Christianity, but I have a couple other views that I have been presented with and have been thinking of in recent years that I'd like to write about.

1) Forgiveness is something that you do more for your own well-being, than it is for the person who has done you wrong.

I think there's some creedence to this idea. Basically, it says that by forgiving wrongs done to us by others, we let go of the bitterness, anger, or hatred that we may hold inside ourselves. By forgiving, we do ourselves a service, even if the person is dead or no longer part of our lives. It can give us a sense of letting go - not forgetting - but letting go as much as we possibly can of that bitterness.
However, my own problem with this is that if we see forgiveness in this light, then it shouldn't be called forgiveness. It could be better, and much healthier, to call it for what it is - "letting go" or "releasing." These are very personal things that we do primarily for ourselves, and that's perfectly OK.

2) Perhaps an even more radical idea is that sometimes we do not need to forgive at all.

This may seem to, and may indeed actually fly in the face of much we have been taught and believed about the subject. But perhaps sometimes it may not be possible - or more importantly healthy - to forgive. This may be temporary, or long term. By saying that we forgive someone, or by "deciding" to forgive someone who has caused us harm, especially devastating harm, we may feel we are doing the honourable and right thing, but it can also serve to further bury our valid emotions of anger, bitterness and hurt, which must be respected and given room to breathe. I can be wronged by someone and not wish them any future pain or ill will, but still be unable or unwilling to forgive them. We must dig deep into our hearts and psyches and visit our dark places, and sometimes "deciding to forgive" someone may whitewash this important, pivotal process. The important thing to come to know is that if we consciously realize that we simply can't forgive someone - either immediately or long-term - it doesn't make us a bad person.

Wherever you are on your journey, I wish you peace, mercy, and grace - toward yourself.

"The Oversoul" by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ralph Waldo Emerson, Unitarian philosopher (1803-1882)

Let us learn the revelation of all nature and thought; that the Highest dwells within us, that the sources of nature are in our own minds.

As there is no screen or ceiling between our heads and the infinite heavens, so there is no bar or wall in the soul where we, the effect, cease, and God, the cause, begins.

I am constrained every moment to acknowledge a higher origin for events than the will I call mine.

There is deep power in which we exist and whose beatitude is accessible to us.

Every moment when the individual feels invaded by it is memorable.

It comes to the lowly and simple; it comes to whosoever will put off what is foreign and proud; it comes as insight; it comes as serenity and grandeur.

The soul's health consists in the fullness of its reception.

For ever and ever the influx of this better and more universal self is new and unsearchable.

Within us is the soul of the whole; the wise silence, the universal beauty, to which every part and particle is equally related; the eternal One.

When it breaks through our intellect, it is genius; when it breathes through our will, it is virtue; when it flows through our affections, it is love.

Ten Commandments of Jay Moore

1. Thou shalt recognize and value empathy in yourself and in others.

Empathy is a biological reaction in our bodies in response to the condition of other humans or of other sentient beings. In our bodies, we may feel as others feel. Empathy is the physical basis of our emotional attachment to others.

2. Thou shalt be compassionate.

Based on empathy, kindness and compassion are calls to action to recognize and aid in the suffering of other beings and the preservation of the planet.

3. Thou shalt be just and encourage and support justice in the world.

Like compassion, this is a call to act in ways that contribute to justice and fairness in the world. We are all one race. We are all one family.

4. Thou shalt love.

Love is the greatest gift and it can be offered to those with whom we are closely bonded or to others in the world for whom we act with compassion.

"Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs. Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." (Paul's letter to the Corinthians)

5. Thou shalt take responsibility for one's own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and behaviour. Thou shalt not take responsibility for the thoughts, feelings, beliefs and behaviour of others.

Others do not have the power to make us feel, think or believe anything. We do not have the power to make others feel, think or believe anything. Each of us owns our own mind and are responsible for it. Specifically, feelings are transient, psychological conditions that reflect a subjective, internal, temporary reaction at a point in time but will change with new experience and reason.

6. Thou shalt strive for peace.

"If there is to peace in the world, there must be peace in the nations.
If there is to be peace in the nations, there must be peace in the cities.
If there is to be peace in the cities, there must be peace between neighbours.
If there is to be peace between neighbours, there must be peace in the home.
If there is to be peace in the home, there must be peace in the heart."
(Lao Tse)

7. Thou shalt strive for truth.

The search for truth includes curiosity, learning, questioning, evaluating and continual change and growth. Truth is relative. No one source or revelation holds absolute truth.

8. Thou shalt say what you mean and mean what you say.

Speaking your truth and standing by what you say affirms who you are to yourself and others. It requires courage.

9. Thou shalt believe only what you deem to be true in your own mind based on reason through consideration of experience, evidence, observation and analysis while keeping an open mind to new information and experience.

"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumoured by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of teachers, elders or doctrines. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. Believe only what you yourself judge to be true." (Kalama Sutta)

"I will not believe in my heart what I will not accept with my reason." (Jay Moore)

10. Thou shalt accept the mysteries: the mysteries of origins, the mysteries of consciousness, the mysteries of the unknown, the mysteries of science, the mysteries of life and the mysteries of death.

Despite the efforts of science and religion to explain these mysteries, we are faced with them whenever we try to address unanswered questions in the material world and in the non-material world.

6 April 2018

Learning To Deal With Our Own Pain

It seems these days like we have opportunities at every turn to spill our guts. I find this particularly true of Facebook and Twitter, as these are sites that I have used, but there are a multitude of others. Facebook and Twitter can be a good way to spread important information in a split second, but they can also become places where we go to bleed freely and attempt to have our wounds licked.  It seems that some people  - and I have been guilty of this in the past - immediately hit social media when something bad or something good happens to them. Today I'm thinking more about the bad.

How many of us have taken to our computers when we're really lonely and we cast the Facebook net out there hoping that we'll catch someone's eye who will take away our loneliness? How many of us tweet madly hoping that others will be impressed by the agility of our thumbs and respond in some way?  This can come in lieu of  a lost relationship, a lost job, lost faith. More than often we would do better to keep our own secrets and learn to be held by the few close people around us - friends, family, therapists, rather than walk around bleeding.  While posting everything on the web for all to see, or by sharing our innermost pain with strangers, we may feel temporary relief, but eventually we will may feel like others are walking away with parts of us..

The late Catholic writer Henri Nouwen wrote a piece called "Own Your Pain" in his personal journal The Inner Voice of Love:

"The main question is 'Do you own your pain?' As long as you do not own your pain - that is, integrate your pain into your way of being in the world - the danger exists that you will use the other to seek healing for yourself. When you speak to others about your pain without fully owning it, you expect something from them that they cannot give. As a result, you will feel frustrated , and those you wanted to help will feel confused, disappointed, or even further burdened.

But when you fully own your pain and do not expect those to whom you minister to alleviate it, you can speak about it in true freedom. Then sharing your struggle can become a service; then your openness about yourself can offer courage and hope to others.

For you to be able to share your struggle as a service, it is also essential to have people to whom you can go with your own needs. You will always need safe people to whom you can pour out your heart. You will always need people who do not need you but who can receive you and give you back to yourself. You will always need people who can help your own pain and claim your struggle."

I am being challenged today to 1) go inside to the place of pain and find healing within instead of displaying my pain to the whole world, and 2) to be held by the certain few people in my life who will take me as I am.

mark andrew