Healing Within Community

19/04/2013
5:12 p.m.
Matter of Taste Coffee Bar - Kitchener, Ontario

We all have those days when we have a hard time functioning, whether it be at work or with our families or in some other area of our lives. We have days when we can barely get out of bed. And it can seem that there is no easy answer, no quick fix, and we wonder if we'll ever emerge from this "funk."

I have many days like this, as I suffer from clinical depression as well as bi-polar disorder. I write "suffer from" rather than just "have" because it is a suffering. Sometimes it's like the perfect storm..without George Clooney. On days like this it seems like there's no way out. This can be extra hard if you're like me and you tend to be quite introverted as it is.

I am fortunate to have a few very close friends whom I can do coffee with or chat with during these times.  But I suggest another form of healing, and that is healing within community. Finding a community where you can be yourself and feel welcome and safe is like gold. For me it is my Unitarian Universalist congregation where I attend each week and feel surrounded by a group of people who are supportive rather than judgmental.  For others it could be their church or a service club or being part of a sports team.

Another benefit of finding healing within community is that you aren't putting the full weight of your pain on one person, or expecting "this person" or "that person" to heal your pain, which can be enormous.  When we do this, we often crush people and they flee; they end the friendship or relationship because they simply do not have it in them to be our emotional healer. And it's not their job.

Within community we can be lifted up by several understanding people without crushing any of them. Community can augment our personal friendships as well as the professional help we may need.

Peace and wellness to you today,

Mark Andrew Nouwen

Go Ahead And Feel Like Crap

17/04/2013 - 5:40pm

Today I woke up
And then I went back to bed
And then I woke up
And then I went back to bed again.

Finally I rose out of bed, and I still feel like crap. I've definitely felt worse, but I'm still kind of miserable and have a pessimistic outlook. I don't particularly feel like hearing from many people or celebrating their happiness.  And you know what, that's ok. Because I know it will pass. Eventually.

When I was younger I had every reason to be in a bad mood, suffering through a childhood that included emotional and verbal abuse by one of my parents. I felt I had to remain stoic - never yelling, almost never shedding a tear for fear that they would bring on more pain or rock the boat even further.

And we carry these ways of being into adulthood, these coping mechanisms even though we are no longer in those hurtful situations. We find ourselves tightening up or holding in the tears. Some therapists assert that now that we are adults, we have to "take in our inner child" and tell them that everything is ok. That works for a lot of people. For me, the simple knowledge that it's ok to feel like shit is most freeing.  Some religious people and churches teach that we should "pray away" negative feelings or that they are signs that our faith is not strong. But according to their own Scriptures, Jesus himself felt "negative" emotions such as extreme sorrow (Lazarus), abandonment (by Peter) and loneliness and anguish (in Gethsemane).

Jesus didn't turn to Tony Robbins or Norman Vincent Peale (The Power of Positive Thinking), and I think it's important that we take our time in really feeling these emotions like sadness and misery when they come. I'm not advocating that we go through these times alone or without a good therapist or medication, but we should give these emotions room to breathe.

It may take a few hours or a few days to get over it, but I'll get through it. And you will too. But for now, go ahead and feel like shit.

Mark Andrew Nouwen

Brennan Manning (1934~2013) - A Ragamuffin At Peace

Former Franciscan priest, author, speaker, and husband Brennan Manning has passed away at the age of 79. Manning's book "The Ragamuffin Gospel" had a major impact on me during my Bible college years. Here are my reflections, followed by a clip of Brennan.

A Politics Informed By Spirituality

Me with the Unitarian Universalist chalice.

Matter of Taste Coffee Bar - Kitchener, Ontario

12/04/2013 - 6:00pm

Lately I've been thinking a whole lot about where politics fits into my life. I have always been interested in politics. My grandfather was a municipal politician (as well as taking a run at provincial politics), my father was always interested in politics, and I caught the bug. I would attend rallies when federal leaders were visiting a nearby town. I shook hands with Jean Chretien and Jean Charest, and went to an event with Stockwell Day.

But it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I personally became involved in politics, first as Secretary of my local New Democratic Party executive, and then serving as LGBTQ Representative as an ally on the executive.  It was a very rewarding experience, as I met new people and went to different events. 

Now I am Vice President of Kitchener Centre's New Democratic Party, and I am thinking what my role is moving forward, and furthermore, what are my reasons for doing so?  

Plain spoken, I do not want to be a politician merely for the sake of politics. I don't want to be a politician merely in order to gain power and to be able to say "I'm the King of the Castle."

No, if I am to move forward and be involved in politics, it is something that must be informed by what is at the core of my being. For me, that is my spiritual journey.  I come from a family of preachers, grew up in a small country Christian church, and now am part of a flourishing Unitarian Universalist congregation here in Kitchener.

When I think of my spirituality, I have to ask myself, "What do I want? Who do I want to be?"  The answers that keep coming back to me are, "Be a person of character," "Listen more," "Do not steer away from those who are impoverished; instead be of service to them." "Seek justice, equality, be compassionate."

I do not want to be a New Democrat merely so that I can sneer at Conservatives or Liberals. This is small-mindedness. Yes, I must stand up and be firm when the government is implementing policies which I believe are harmful to the people of this country, but I must not demonize them or dehumanize them.

I am proud to be party of a political party which has had many women and men of faith at its core. Tommy Douglas and Bill Blaikie come to mind, as well as current MP's such as Paul Dewar.

I will move forward as a New Democrat who strives to always be informed by my faith and I look forward to working with people of every faith.

Mark Andrew Nouwen

Vice-President - Kitchener Centre New Democratic Party 

Rely On The Voice That Has Always Been There

Most of your life you have struggled for love that you did not receive earlier in your life. But you will get nowhere by running to and fro looking for it like a child going door to door for Hallowe'en candy. Doing so will only make you more tired and lonely. Instead, you are called to remain close to your Inner Voice, the Divine within you. It has always been with you, but you have been distracted by all that this world has to offer. The distractions grow each and every day. You must take some time to remove yourself from a world of constant e-mailing, tweeting, facebooking, and texting. Instead rely on the Voice that has always been there. Also, rely on your closest friends, those who really know you and your weaknesses. They will lovingly keep you in check and provide love and support that you need as you continue the journey. One day, perhaps when you least expect it, you will find a love that truly fulfills you and you will rest. For now, stay on the spiritual path, stay close to your Inner Voice.

Mark Andrew Nouwen

De mortuis nil nisi bonum

Matthew Warren, 27, son of Pastor Rick Warren, committed suicide on Friday.

Perhaps you have heard the phrase "Speak no ill of the dead." Perhaps the appendage "or their families" should be added.

This past week, former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher passed away at the age of 87. While much praise has been given to her from various world leaders, others have heaped scorn and hatred upon her even before her body was cold.

One politician tweeted a picture of a champagne bottle in celebration, hundreds partied on the streets of a couple of towns, and one politician whose birthday it happened to be said, "It's the best birthday I've ever had." Outlandish former British MP George Galloway didn't mince words: "May she burn in the hellfires."

Matthew Warren, 27, was less known, but his father Pastor Rick Warren isn't. He's the author and pastor of the mega-church called Saddleback. On Friday, after a "fun-filled" night with his parents, Matthew went back to his home and shot himself to death. Matthew had suffered from depression for many many years.

While outpourings of sympathy came from across the country, foes of Matthew's father and his message took to their iPhones and blogs:

A poster to USA Today's website from Cincinnati wrote:  "Either there is no God, or God doesn't listen to Rick Warren, despite all the money Rick has made off of selling false hope to desperate people." In another comment, the same poster counsels Warren to "abandon primitive superstitions and accept the universe for what it is — a place that is utterly indifferent to us." Others assured the Warrens that there is no Heaven where Matthew would go. Still others used the occasion to get on their soap box about gay marriage (which I fully support, but that's no excuse for this). One Twitter user who describes himself as a "partnered, faithful friend" living in New York posted, "Dear Rick Warren: now U know the 'anguished grief' parents of gay teen suicides feel after listening 2 U and UR ilk's anti-gay hate speech."

My reaction to all this is: have you no compassion? Have you no mercy? Where is your humanity? You can strongly disagree with a person's views yet show them respect, especially in death. I'm sure that if I were to sift through Thatcher's record there would be a lot that I would strongly disagree with, and I know there are things I strongly disagree about with Rick Warren.

But someone has just lost a mother and a grandmother. Someone has just lost a son and a brother. Show some respect.

Mark Andrew Nouwen

The Dark Side Of Being Young

Rehtaeh Parsons died on Sunday. She was 17 years old.

Today as I was waiting outside the mall for the bus, it was bombs away. F*** this, F*** that, all over the place. There was talk of a fight. And of course the cigarette smoke.

And it was all coming from kids 16 and under. A few things came to mind. Mostly I was annoyed because I was having a bad day, plus I was making judgments. Then a question came to mind, "Who is parenting these kids anyway?"  It's very disturbing, and this was just a small snapshot.

Meet Rehtaeh Parsons. The Nova Scotia girl attended a small party with a friend two years ago when she was 15 years old and had a bit of vodka. Allegedly four boys began raping her and taking photographs, which would surface at her school and in her community. Classmates began calling her a slut. After a year of investigating, police laid no charges, saying it was a "he said, she said" occurrence.

The family moved, but Rehtaeh fought depression. “She was never left alone. Her friends turned against her, people harassed her, boys she didn’t know started texting her and Facebooking asking her to have sex with them since she had had sex with their friends. It just never stopped,” said Rehtaeh's mom.

Finally, on Thursday Rehtaeh tried to kill herself, and on Sunday was taken off of life support.  Another young life snuffed out by assault and bullying.

Look. Look at that smile. Be at peace, Rehtaeh.

Mark Andrew Nouwen