"How can we begin to face the many injustices and strife in our world if we are unwilling or unable to face the anxieties in our own selves? Each of us, young and old, meek or bold, can be harbingers of light and a force for positive change in our world; first, though, comes the inner work of understanding, then releasing fear wherever it may cripple us. For the sake of our planet, and for the sake of our evolution, it must be done."

~ Mark Andrew Nouwen

Taking The Little Boy's Hand

Several years ago, in a different city and with a different therapist, I found myself laying on a cushioned table. I had seen many therapists over many years as I attempted to deal with my depression and anxiety, as I attempted to know what it felt like to actually live rather than merely survive. I grew up being neglected as well as being abused verbally and emotionally by my father; the result was a 30-something year old stumbling his way through life, disabled mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Back to the cushioned table. My therapist specialized in "integrative body psychotherapy;" Basically, the main goal was to "get me back into my body" after spending almost my entire life feeling cut off from the neck down. It simply wasn't  safe to "feel" anything when I was in the abusive situation, so I simply shut my body, my emotions off. As many therapists will point out, this serves as a very effective coping strategy when one is enduring the abuse, but it can continue to cripple you for many years to come and negatively affect your life unless you deal with the initial abuse or trauma and then make steps forward into the present and future. By cutting off almost all of my emotions during childhood, I was affected in the following ways (this list is not comprehensive):

Psychologically/Mentally:

- Chronic to Major Depression
- A lack of confidence
- A lack of sense of self/identity
- Racing thoughts
- Lack of memory
- Thinking/expecting everything to eventually turn out badly
- Consistently thinking of myself as a victim (which I indeed was, but in the past)
- Not being confident in friendships and relationships

Emotionally:

As much as a person may try to "not feel" and as much as it may work for years, eventually the emotions spill over. These have included:

- A constant mild feeling that something is wrong or will inevitably go wrong
- Intense anxiety, even for no apparent reason
- Feeling withdrawn from others or different/not as valuable as others
- Mild to intense anger, often misdirected towards yourself
- Shame
- Guilt
- Feeling numb

Physically:

- Tightness in chest or other areas of body
- Numbness
- Holding your breath
- Mild to severe anxiety
- Depression
- Lethargic/not wanting to get out of bed
- Overeating
- Skipping or racing heart
- Generally not being able to "be in the present," or feeling like time is merely passing you by and you're not accomplishing anything

Let's go back to that therapist now. We would do breathing exercises regularly, trying to get me "back into my body." She would also have me look at myself directly in the mirror. And there was the cushioned table. I remember that on one or two occasions she would ask me to imagine myself as a little boy, and then to say something to him now that I was no longer in the abusive situation.

I just couldn't do it at the time. I felt awkward, part of me thought it was corny psychotherapy. The truth, though, was that I had not talked enough or processed enough about the abuse I had experienced. I didn't feel comfort, so how could I comfort my 8-year-old self? However, as I wrote earlier, that was years ago, in a different city, with a different therapist.

Today things are almost completely different. I am in a different city and am hooked in with a different therapist whose approach just "fits." I am also in a weekly therapy group. While I may have a long way to go (sometimes we just tell ourselves that) I have come a long way. Today I feel like I can say a few words to the grinning boy in his Grade 4 picture; at least I'll give it a shot:

"Mark."
"Mark."
"Mark, do you hear me? Do you see me? Can you recognize me?"

"I am you, all grown up, 30 years later. Ya, see? You're gonna grow up to be a handsome son of a gun!" ("Did I just see you crack a smile?")
"Mark, I know that you may not even know what you're feeling these days, other than being really afraid most of the time. I know this because I am you, only older now. I know about all the nights when you can't sleep; instead you're standing behind your bedroom door listening to your father yelling. I know about the countless dinnertimes when you and your family sit around the table in complete silence. You just want to yell, but you're just a kid. You have no power, and you know that if you yelled or even showed any displeasure, he would erupt. Yes, Mark, I know how it feels when you're all in the car on the weekly trip to get groceries, and the stress is so high that you can feel it in your chest. I know that when you went fishing or many other activities, it was primarily with your mother. I know that you were often neglected by your father. I know that when you're in Grade 7 you will feel your heart skipping and you'll often feel that you're having a heart attack. The doctor will have you wear a heart monitor a couple different times, but it will show nothing out of the ordinary. Mark, it's just stress, but I know it is really scary. Mark, I know about the times when your Mom packs you and your pajamas into the car and drives to the pastor's house, and you stay overnight there until your father cools down. I also know that when you're a teenager, you will have had enough and you will go into the washroom, turn the light off, and sit down at the bottom of the locked door until reluctantly coming out half an hour later. Mark, I know all of this, and I see you. I am looking at you and I am not judging you whatsoever. Can you understand that? It is ok to feel the anger that you feel. I am feeling angry with you. You see, we are - you are - all grown up now, and guess what? You made it! You survived! And guess what? You didn't just survive, but you are finally coming alive and the future is looking bright! Mark, do you know who you are and what kind of person you are other than being afraid? You are the funny kid, the one with the great smile who has a great laugh. You are so smart, near the top of your class. You know how it feels to not be the most popular, so you make friends with other kids who are being made fun of. And though you may not be the most popular, at your Grade 8 graduation, your classmates will give you the biggest cheer ever when you unexpectedly win the Top English Award (you make one heck of a sports announcer each morning)."

"Mark, can you start to see it? Can you begin to see that you will make it? It will not be easy. There will be many times when you will think that you can't go further. But with help, you will make it, and you'll grow up and be able to make your own decisions (if you don't quite recognize my/your last name yet, that'll come. And you'll grow to really like your middle name too!)"

"Mark, be proud of the young man that you are: funny, kind, compassionate, smart. Those are deeply a part of you and they will remain. How do I know? Because I am you, just 30 years give or take down the line. Please know this and try to hold onto it until you are me: MARK, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, I BELIEVE IN YOU, AND YOU WILL MAKE IT. I'll see you in 30 years."

Love,

Mark Andrew Nouwen

God's Religion

"God is not a Christian, God is not a Jew, or a Muslim, or a Hindu, or a Buddhist. All of those are human systems which human beings have created to try to help us walk into the mystery of God. I honor my tradition, I walk through my tradition, but I don't think my tradition defines God, I think it only points me to God."

~ Bishop John Shelby Spong

Pretty Wicked Woman

I wanna take things slow, I wanna go so fast
I want a one-night stand, want something that lasts

I want something that stands the true test of time
I want a bent-up, blurred-over night filled with wine

You'd look so pretty in a wedding dress
but with your low-cuts and cut-off jeans my mind is a mess

You're looking at me like you're wanting it slow
the next minute I'm pinned down, you're heading below

You're a wool-covered wolf and it turns me on
You're the next sure thing, at least from dusk til dawn.

© Mark Andrew Nouwen. August 31, 2014.

The Outcasts In The Pews

Last night I had a very vivid dream. It was a dream that I had dreamt before, though as most dreams do, this one had its variations from previous versions. Last night's was also stronger. It went like this:

Once again I found myself in the small-ish evangelical country church that I grew up in from the time I was a baby 'til when I was about 16 or 17 years of age. On this morning, the crowd was sparse and one of my former pastors (whom I won't identify and is not on Facebook) was in town as the guest preacher. He was preaching the standard evangelistic message: "We are all fallen and originally sinful because of the sins of Adam and Eve, but in God's great love he sent his son Jesus to be nailed to a cross, and his blood provides a sacrifice for our sins. God loved us so much and we could choose to believe in Jesus and spend a glorious eternity in heaven, but if we did not choose to believe that we are sinners and in Jesus' sacrifice, we were going to eternal damnation, or Hell, when we die." The pastor also made a point to distinguish homosexuals as particularly sinful and depraved.

After his short message, most of the congregants gave their "Amen's" or other affirmations, though 1 or perhaps 2 people quietly objected. Then I attempted to speak, struggling for my voice to be heard. In this dream, as in several others, I had a speech impediment, but I just knew that I had to say something. I stood up and, as best I could, I protested the pastor's message, saying that it could produce immense feelings of guilt, that we are not originally sinful, and that it is a bizarre notion that we must be "covered in someone's blood" in order to be saved from damnation. Most of the congregants either objected or outright left the building en masse, while a handful agreed with me and stayed. I walked up close to the front of the church and I earnestly argued that every single reputable psychiatric and psychological association in North America (and at the United Nations) has stated that homosexuality is not an illness, and that those in the LGBTQ community are not sinful, depraved, or sick.

The service concluded. Immediately, a very tall, lanky man, probably in his 40's and looking like he had been bruised and beaten up by life, slowly approached me, leaned over with tears in his eyes, and whispered in my ear: "Thank you so much. I'm gay." We embraced for probably 15-20 minutes, and I assured him that he was not a sinner and that God saw him and loved him very much.

There are outcasts in our pews each and every Sunday morning who are being indoctrinated with guilt and shame. Oh God, may I - may we - be there for them with listening, non-judgmental ears, loving hearts, and arms that embrace.

Mark Andrew Nouwen

Sunday School: Religious Indoctrination, Or An Invitation To Exploration?

I grew up in a small, fundamentalist, evangelical country church in southwestern Ontario where I have deep family roots. Growing up as a child, I not only attended church once a week, but often three times a week. Of course there was Sunday service, then as I entered my teens I went to Wednesday night Bible study, and on weekends there was often a fun youth activity.

But lest we forget Sunday School; actually for many of us it played a large role in our introduction to God/the Divine in our formative years. Remember the crafts, memorizing Bible verses, watching the teacher work his/her magic on flannelgraphs? And we can't forget the songs, from "Jesus Loves Me" to "Jesus Loves The Little Children" and "This Is The Day (That The Lord Has Made)."

My question today, as I look back after having left the Christian faith altogether just over a decade ago, is this: Was Sunday School a helpful part of my life and an invitation to personal spiritual exploration, or was it simply religious indoctrination?

It was often in Sunday School that we first heard stories from the Bible such as Jonah and the whale, David and Goliath, Moses parting the Red Sea. Other stories included Jesus walking on the water, Jesus causing the disciples to catch a multitude of fish, and Jesus turning water into wine (though at my church we used Welch's grape juice during communion). If you were like me, you took these stories literally.

But beyond it all, trumping the miracle stories was the message I heard over and over again as a child: that I - as well as all human beings who had ever lived - was a sinner. I was "born that way" as Lady Gaga might phrase it. Because of Adam and Eve's original sin, each man and woman, boy and girl to come after them were also sinful and ultimately depraved. It was a confusing message for my little brain to take in, considering the songs we were singing such as "Jesus Loves Me" and "Jesus Loves The Little Children." I then was taught, also at a very early age, that basically my sin was so severe that God had to send his son Jesus (who was also somehow God) to this planet in order to spill his blood to gain my forgiveness from sin and, most importantly, my exemption from hellfire. This message in my formative years, combined with a tumultuous upbringing, led to many years of painful and exhaustive guilt that I have been in therapy for to this day.

Let me say that I understand parents wanting their child to hold the same values that they hold - such as the fruits of the spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, etc, but it is entirely different for parents to insist that their children believe the same doctrines as they do. Rather than encouraging children to explore spirituality from a young age, many parents are, even perhaps subconsciously, essentially raising their children to be miniature versions of themselves. And if these children choose different religious beliefs or viewpoints, reject fundamentalist evangelical Christianity, or, god forbid, reject religion entirely, not only are parents devastated, they and their church leadership worry for the child's soul, taking their exploration and autonomy and intellectual freedom to be extremely dangerous. For some parents and churches, their fear slightly veils their fear of losing control over the child.

I would also say that many parents and Sunday School teachers through the years have genuinely thought that they were "doing the right thing" and raising their children in the "right way." Many have not meant harm, they simply were passing down what they had once been taught and now believed. Also, I am grateful to an extent that I grew up in the church; it introduced me to the notion of religion and spirituality.

I believe that children's religious education, or Sunday School, can be a time and a space where children are invited to explore their beliefs.  They can be taught those values listed above, which are not solely Judeo-Christian values, but are found in the depths of humanity worldwide. Why not teach children about the faith traditions of Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, other religions and non-religious traditions, and let them decide for themselves? Imagine that!

Two other obstacles to a progressive Sunday School curriculum are time-worn presentations about science and sexuality - or the lack thereof. A 13th century view of the universe just will not cut it anymore in 2014, and kids these days are smart enough to be increasingly questioning and rejecting what they are hearing in Sunday School in favour of what almost every reputable scientist says these days. The earth is not 6, 000 years old and we were not placed on this planet by a supernatural deity in over to rule over said planet. We are incomplete and still evolving, not dirty sinners in need of salvation by blood.  When it comes to sexuality (which I will dedicate an entire post to), children - in particularly adolescents - must no longer be simply taught to suppress their urges until the day of their wedding. Much shame, guilt, and harm has been done by the Christian church in this area.

In conclusion, children will experience enough obstacles in life; there's no reason to start them off with a sense of guilt, fear, and a lack of freedom to make their own choices.

Mark Andrew Nouwen  

My Work Is Not Yet Done

Dedicated to my cousin Sandy Peddle Chapman Wardle on what would have been her 61st birthday. Though it has been a year, your light continues to brighten our hearts, in which you shall always live.
____________________________
I may have one minute,
I may have one hour,
I may have one more day.
It may be one week,
It may be a month,
I may live for one more year, or for sixty more years,
but my work, it is not done.
I still have so much to learn,
I still have healing that needs to seep through every fiber of my being,
I still have to learn how to be more kind and compassionate,
but also allow myself to feel chasms of grief, seething anger and every other emotion that I face at different moments in my life.
May I learn to be a leader while never forgetting humility,
May I balance my need for solitude with the realization that it is ok to need people,
May I continue to learn what to let go of, and what to remember, in order that I may fight injustice and abuse both nearby and afar.
Finally, may others one day remember me as we remember you today: a person who lived life to the fullest, jam-packed with kindness, optimism, laughter, and love.
Mark Andrew Nouwen
(Below: With my cousin Sandy. July 2013.)