Changing Our Storylines (Or Becoming The Author Of Our Own Lives)

If someone were to ask you "Who are you?" or "Describe your life in only a few words," what would you say? For many of us, it is often easier to answer this question with who we are not anymore, rather than who we are today. This can often be due to the fact that we are still caught up in a storyline or narrative which we have lived in for most, if not all of our lives. For example, when one asks another "Who are you?" or "Will you describe your life for me?", one often hears answers such as "I am an alcoholic," "I was a victim of child abuse," "I am a recovering addict," or "I used to believe <insert here>." When we continually see ourselves in a former light, it can become awfully hard to live in the present moment and experience peace, let alone face the future.

At this point you could be saying, "Well, I was abused as a child," or "I used to believe that but now I don't!" I am not suggesting that we somehow try to magically erase what has happened to us in the past, nor regretful actions that we may have taken. This is denial.  What I am learning, and what I am suggesting, is radical acceptance of what is in the here and now, in the present moment. For example, right now at the noon hour, I am sitting in a coffeeshop. I am quite comfortable. Beautiful sunshine is beaming through the windows, I have a calming peppermint tea beside me, and I am listening to beautiful Celtic music. Right now, in this present moment, I am not being abused, I am not abusing alcohol, and none of the beliefs or teachings that I once held or were handed down to me are being pushed on me. It's just me, Tim Hortons, The Sun, and Enya. 

Now, radical acceptance does not mean approval. It does not justify any horrible things that may have happened to you in the past. As my group therapist said this morning, "No one has the right to cause harm to you." Also, radical acceptance does not mean turning a blind eye to injustices that you may see around you, whether it be abuse, hatred, etc. However, if we continually see ourselves as the victims or as the perpetrators, part of us (or even most of us) will always be held back from our potential. For me, even the word "survivor" doesn't sit well. The term may very well empower other people (one size does not fit all!), but for me that term still takes me back to the past. I am finding that pretty much any label is limiting, even stifling. I have used many labels in the past: victim, survivor, warrior, leader, "the strong one," Christian, non-Christian, etc. All of them are limiting. Even labels that I might use today are limiting, such as "a person in therapy," Unitarian, or Quaker, they're all limiting because no words can adequately convey the vastness and mystery of our unique, beautiful selves.

How can we finally exit the endless merry-go-round of our old, worn storylines that keep us from being present and from moving forward? Here are some suggestions:

1)  Realize - You can't move on from something if you haven't admitted that it happened to you. There are many people who have blocked out entire sections of their lives as a protection mechanism, only to realize years later that they were mistreated or that they mistreated someone else. The phrase "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" may be true, but it's also true that we can't fix something that's broken if we don't realize that it's broken. Often we need professional help to guide us along our healing journey; this may or may not take a very long time. Eventually, though, we can come to the realization that what happened in the past, is, well, in the past.

2) Decide -  After realizing what actually happened to us or what we may have caused, we can realize that we now have choice. Where once we may have been in a situation where we were very vulnerable and powerless (particularly as children), you and I are now adults and we do have a choice on how we are going to live in the present moment. Once we do this, the future doesn't look so dire or grim.

3) Radical Acceptance - Again, acceptance does not mean approval. Rather, acceptance means that "Yes, this happened to me and it was completely abhorrent, but I am no longer going to let the past define my narrative, my life.  I am not just 'the victim' or 'the addict.' I am here, in this moment, and I can now be the author of my own life." Look at your life as a journal, waiting to be filled with whatever you so choose. The pages are blank and full of potential, they are not already covered in ghostly images and shadows.

4) Worthiness -  This, at least for me, is the key, and could very well have been Step 1.  How are we to have a peaceful present or any prospects for a happy future if we don't think that we deserve to be happy and at peace? Some people do not have this problem, but many do. Ask yourself: "Do I deserve to be happy?" and "Do I deserve to be able to change my storyline and be the author of my own life?" Your reaction may surprise you. Many people have lived their lives thinking that they must consider themselves the lowest rung on the ladder, and that others must be placed ahead of them at all costs. In my experience, this only leads to burn-out, self-loathing, and self-doubt. 

My hope is that wherever you are, you can stop, be in the present moment, and realize that no matter what has happened to you or because of you, this moment is new. Each second arrives with new potential and possibilities, and you can become the author of your own, new storyline. After all, you are more than worth it.

Mark Andrew Nouwen

 

The Human Person Fully Alive

John O'Donohue
(January 1, 1956 ~ January 4, 2008)

"We are so privileged to still have time. We have but one life, and it is a shame to limit it by fear and false barriers. Irenaeus, a wonderful philosopher and theologian in the second century, said, "The glory of God is the human person fully alive." It is lovely to imagine that real divinity is the presence in which all beauty, unity, creativity, darkness, and negativity are harmonized. The divine has such passionate creativity and instinct for the fully inhabited life. If you allow yourself to be the person that you are, then everything will come into rhythm. If you live the life you love, you will receive shelter and blessings. Sometimes the great famine of blessing in and around us derives from the fact that we are not living the life we love, rather we are living the life that is expected of us. We have fallen out of rhythm with the secret signature and light of our own nature. 

The shape of each soul is different. There is a secret destiny for each person. When you endeavor to repeat what others have done or force yourself into a preset mold, you betray your individuality. We need to return to the solitude within, to find again the dream that lies at the hearth of the soul. We need to feel the dream with the wonder of a child approaching a threshold of discovery. When we rediscover our childlike nature, we enter into a world of gentle possibility. Consequently, we will find ourselves more frequently at that place, at the place of ease, delight, and celebration. The false burdens will fall away. We come into rhythm with ourselves. Our clay shape gradually learns to walk beautifully on this magnificent earth."

~ From Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom, 1997.

What Is God? A Response From Bishop John Shelby Spong

Many of you who read my blog will be at least somewhat familiar with John Shelby Spong, author and retired Episcopal Bishop of the Diocese of Newark, New Jersey. Bishop Spong has been instrumental in my understanding that there are other ways to view Christianity other than fundamentalism or evangelicalism. Spong is the author of such best-sellers as Rescuing The Bible From Fundamentalism, Why Christianity Must Change or Die, A New Christianity For A New World, and Jesus For The Non-Religious. Each week he sends out an e-mail where he responds to a question from one of his readers or attendees of one of his lectures. Here is one from this past December 11th. If you are interested in signing up for these free weekly exchanges, simply visit his website, look in the right-hand sidebar, and enter your e-mail address under "Free Q&A Email." You can unsubscribe at any time as well.

Bishop John Shelby Spong

Question & Answer

Ann of Clemson, S.C., writes:

Question:

Bishop Spong spoke at Clemson United Methodist Church in Clemson, SC. He asked if we had questions. We were to write them down and get them to him. Situations arose that prevented getting my question to him. This is my question, because it is a question that my granddaughter asks regularly: WHAT is God? 

Answer: 

Dear Ann, You did not tell me your granddaughter’s age, but her question reflects so well the modern world. Unable to answer the “Who” question satisfactorily, we have moved on to the “What” question. The trouble is that whether asked by children or adults, it is an unanswerable question and even a rather arrogant one, for what human being can claim to be able to define God? So my first response to you is not to feel threatened by your granddaughter’s question or to feel inadequate that you cannot answer it. Neither can anyone else and those who pretend that they can are fooling themselves and anyone who listens to them. Whatever God is or isn’t, the human mind can only talk about the human experience of God, not about God. There is a difference between the two. God, by every definition, is not bound by the human experience. We are all tempted to literalize our own perception of whatever ultimate reality is. That is why the gods of human beings all tend to look like enlarged and unlimited human beings. We talk about ourselves as being created “in the image of God,” but the fact is that God is always created in the human image. Does that mean we have nothing to say to questions like the one your granddaughter has posed? No, but it does mean that we should be aware of our limitations. I can tell no one who God is or what God is. Neither can anyone else – from the Pope to Pat Robertson to the Dalai Lama. That is simply an aspect of human pretending. What I can tell you and your granddaughter about with some integrity is how I believe I have experienced Transcendence, Otherness, and the Holy. Because I have experienced it also does not make it so, since I may be delusional. I don’t think so, but people do see and experience things that are not there. The human mind will play tricks on us at every stage of life. So I have to test my experience every day in the light of all that I determine to be real. Having done that for a life time I can say, I hope with integrity, that I believe in and experience God as the Source of life calling me to live fully, as the Source of love empowering me to love wastefully, and, as the Ground of all Being (to borrow a phrase from Paul Tillich) giving me the courage to be all that I can be. It is in this process of living fully, loving wastefully, and being all that I can be, that I expand the limits of my humanity and believe that I begin to move beyond those limits and experience that which is ultimately real. The reason I am a Christian is that I see in Jesus of Nazareth a life fully lived, a love wastefully shared and one who can be who he is under every set of human circumstances. So I join St. Paul in the acclamation that somehow and in some way all that I mean by the word God I believe that I have encountered in the life of this Jesus. If your granddaughter is young and this is too convoluted for her just tell her that God is the experience that she is loved, that she has ultimate value and that her job in life is to be all that she can be. All else is background music.

~ John Shelby Spong

Visit johnshelbyspong.com

What Child Is This? The Reason For The Season

I generally love Christmas. I love the music (Bing Crosby, The Rat Pack, Elvis, Ella Fitzgerald, etc) and the movies (Holiday Inn, White Christmas, It's A Wonderful Life, Scrooge, etc). However, it's kind of difficult to be festive on a day like this.

Just a few hours ago, Taliban gunmen attacked a school in the Pakistani city of Peshawar, slaughtering 141 people, the overwhelming majority of the dead being students in Grades 1 through 10. An additional 124 people were injured in the attack, the deadliest assault yet by the Taliban in Pakistan. A bloodbath.

A few hours before that, a self-described cleric turned Islamic State sympathizer who had been known to police entered a café in Sydney, Australia, and held 17 staff and customers hostage for 16 hours before police engaged him in gunfire, killing him, and leaving the café manager and a customer dead; it is unknown whether they died during the gun battle, or at the hands of the deranged gunman before the shootout.

And yesterday, a 35-year-old Iraq war veteran shot and killed his ex-wife and 5 members of her family, including a 14-year-old niece, in Pennsburg, a suburb of Philadelphia.

All of this is almost too much to bear, even from my comfortable seat inside a warm public library in Canada. (Recommendation: Turn the TV off after a few minutes).

I normally write an article this time of the year pertaining to my beliefs about Jesus; I haven't quite been able to get him out of my head, even a decade plus after calling myself a Christian. 

Even after leaving my fundamentalist, evangelical brand of Christianity, I have still usually made my way to a Christmas Eve service. I have done this mostly out of nostalgia; the familiarity of the carols, and the candles and the well-wishes warm me to an extent. However, this feeling has been leaving me as the years go by. This year I may or may not attend a service.

I am no scholar...at least not yet; I am the first to admit that. But I do have my observations and thoughts on the subject of Jesus, and I will share them again this year; perhaps they've changed from last year, perhaps not.

Who was Jesus? To some, the question itself may offend. "What do you mean, who was Jesus? The question is, who is Jesus?"

To begin, I am not sure whether there ever was a person named Jesus who was the son of a mother named Mary and a father named Joseph. I suspect that there was. What I strongly do not believe are the mythology and stories that have been caked onto him by certain men throughout history. By now you may have deduced that I do not believe the Bible to be the inerrant Word of God, dictated supernaturally or otherwise by a Deity. Instead of being the Word of God, I believe it is the Word about God. It is a combination of the work of people who were trying to convey their experiences with divinity, as well as a vehicle used by power-hungry men in power, trying to subjugate the lowly.

Even if one believes that the Bible is true and God-sent, the authors themselves vastly differ when it comes to what actually occurred surrounding the birth of Jesus. Though Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John's gospels appear first in the New Testament, Paul's writings were the closest to Jesus' time-period. Paul appears to know nothing of the virgin birth claims surrounding Jesus, only writing that Jesus was "born of a woman" (Galatians 4:4) and was "descended from David, according to the flesh" (Romans 1:3). One would think that a man who knew James, the brother of Jesus, might mention such an important detail. The earliest gospel writer, Mark, did not even seem to consider the birth story of Jesus worth mentioning. We all have the nativity scene etched in our minds, of Jesus being born in a lowly manger and the three wise men traveling to him and bowing before the baby, who was surrounded by shepherds and animals. Apparently no one told Matthew: "On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him." (Matt 2: 11). Jesus could very well have been a toddler. Luke seems to know nothing about a star or the Magi (history assumed there were three of them because there were three gifts). Finally, some gospel writers seem to want to portray Jesus as the Jewish Messiah, while others emphasize that he is the Son of God, thus challenging Caesar. 

The differences and head-scratchers go on and on and in my opinion are worth examining, especially if one is to base perhaps their entire life on the Bible.

So where does this leave me? Am I a godless heathen? If you were to call my rejection of Jesus being the Messiah or the son of an anthropomorphic god who sent his son (who was really said god himself - get your head around that one) to die for my sins, then yes, I embrace the word heathen. (Heathen: "an individual of a people that do not acknowledge the God of the Bible; a person who is neither a Jew, Christian, nor Muslim; a pagan." - dictionary.com)

I do not believe that Jesus is my redeemer or my saviour because I do not believe the fundamentalist account that, due to Adam and Eve's sin, we are all - each and every man and woman, boy and girl who has ever walked this earth - that we are all miserable sinners. This is not my identity. Jesus' death was not about him spilling his blood to pay for my sins. This is an ever-increasingly bizarre notion, and if Jesus truly was the Son of God, then for God to send him to be nailed to a cross and die a bloody death, well that is a divine sort of child abuse. 

At the same time, I do believe in God and I do believe in Christ, though I shirk at using those terms anymore - at least when I can avoid it - because "God" tends to assume an Old Man In The Sky, and Christ is just an antiquated word for me. Many view God as they do Santa Claus. He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake! For many of us who grew up as fundamentalist Christians, this was, or for some continues to be a fairly thorough description of our understanding of God. No, I do not believe in this God. I must add that if God truly is a person-like superior being watching the world from on high, then serious questions must be asked, particularly as we watch unspeakable atrocities unfold and diseases cripple entire villages. Is he - because of course God is a male - uncaring or is he impotent? Some religious people choose to give God props for everything good and pleasant in the world, and let him off the hook for all the evil and abhorrent; they chalk the latter up to another mythical being, the Devil. I am unwilling to let this type of god off the hook so conveniently.

However, I do still believe in what I call the Divine Spark, or the Divine Spirit. Rather than being a Person, I believe the Divine is a spiritual presence which is present within me and in everything that surrounds me. It has many faces, and is not confined to religious, intellectual, physical, or gender boundaries. This is what Christmas can mean for me. I tend to believe that people were drawn to Jesus because he was so aware of this Divine Spark within him, that it made him free to cross boundaries that had never been crossed. Jesus was not about power; he was evasive when people asked him if he was God. Rather, Jesus flipped the status quo by emphasizing downward mobility. He reached out to tax collectors and hookers and lepers. He was far from perfect though, just as none of us are. Once, when a Gentile woman pleaded before him for healing, he described her as a dog and that he had only come to help the Jews. It was only after her cleverness that he relented and supposedly healed her.

What can we learn from the Christmas story?  I believe that just as Jesus seemed to be aware of the Divine Spark (or Christ) presence within him, which allowed him to love almost unreservedly and break boundaries, so too we are invited to see this Divine Spark within ourselves. God is literally with us.  And isn't this what we need in today's world, where we see atrocities and tragedies such as the ones I listed above? If each of us were to acknowledge our inner divinity, and then recognize our neighbour's inner divinity - regardless of their religious beliefs or non-beliefs - would we then see larger stepping stones toward global peace?

A final thought about Jesus. According to many he was the son of God, and we are also (at least Christians are) the sons and daughters of God. I am not a parent, but what do parents hope for their children? Is it that they will remain children, remain dependent on their mother and father? No. Any decent parent hopes to raise their children to be well-adjusted, functioning adults who have the tools to live their lives. Is it not the same with us? Have we been looking to Jesus (the child or the adult) for so long that we are not realizing that we have the tools necessary to love deeply and act in a responsible manner in this world? On a personal note, I see a personal therapist and attend group therapy on a regular basis as I work through childhood trauma and indoctrination which has led to mental illness. Is it my therapists or my doctors job to make sure that I become dependent on them or even worship their methods, or even for me to continue to see them forever? No. It is their desire that one day I will have the tools to stand on my own two feet. This doesn't mean I will ever have all the answers, but I will be my own person.

Perhaps this Christmas the best thing we could do is to take a minute or two to stand in front of the mirror, and to spend time with our neighbours and realize our own divinity, rather than continuing to shine a spotlight on a baby who probably never wanted the attention in the first place.

Mark Andrew Nouwen

Further recommended reading @ ReligiousTolerance.org

"Deep within us all there is an amazing sanctuary of the soul, a holy place, a Divine Center, a speaking Voice, to which we may continuously return. Eternity is at our hearts, pressing upon our time-torn lives, warming us with intimations of an astounding destiny, calling us home to Itself."  

~ Thomas R. Kelly (1893 - 1941). Quaker mystic. From "A Testament To Devotion."

Album Review: Michael W. Smith & Friends - The Spirit Of Christmas

When I received Michael W. Smith's latest Christmas album in the mail yesterday, it was the first album of his that I had actually bought in at least 15 years. As a Christian teenager, I grew up listening to his contemporary gospel music. After being the keyboardist to Amy Grant, he launched out on his own solo career, with contemporary Christian music hits such as Great Is The Lord, Old Enough To Know, Secret Ambition, and Friends. In the 90's, Smith caused a significant tremor in some Christian circles when he, like Grant had done earlier, "crossed over" to the mainstream market and put out an album called Change Your World, which featured less overtly gospel lyrics. This came on the heels of his major claim to mainstream success, the hit Place In This World, from the album Go West Young Man. It was quite the achievement, though rather amusing spectacle, when Smith won Favorite New Adult Contemporary Artist in 1992 at the American Music Awards for his crossover work, though he had been an accomplished artist for many, many years.

Smith, now 57, quickly moved back to the contemporary Christian music scene, and most recently has had success with his albums of worship songs and hymns.

However, Michael makes a big splash back into the mainstream market - while retaining his Christian fan base - with the release of The Spirit Of Christmas, his fourth, and by far best holiday album to date. An accomplished singer-songwriter who has been around Nashville and other circles for decades, Smith clearly has forged friendships and gained the admiration of some of the heavy hitters of country music. The Spirit Of Christmas features duets with stars including Carrie Underwood, Vince Gill, Lady Antebellum, Little Big Town, Martina McBride and Jennifer Nettles. Amy Grant, Audrey Smith, and Michael McDonald also appear on the 14-track album.

Smith's voice is in fine form here, and as a producer and executive producer, he manages the perfect balance  between the secular and the sacred.

The highlights here include All Is Well, a song which appeared on his first Christmas offering, so long ago that his duet superstar Carrie Underwood may not even have been born at the time of its release. Another standout is Almost There, a duet with his long-time friend, the aforementioned Amy Grant. The title track is a fantastic, sweeping instrumental medley of three songs, performed by Smith and the London Session Orchestra as directed by David Hamilton. The orchestra also excels on numerous other tracks.

There are only two minor missteps on the album, the first being Somewhere In My Memory. I understand that Christmas is a particularly magical time for children, but this does not mean that is always a good idea to feature children singing on one's Christmas album. While Audrey Smith and the Nashville Children's Choir do a fine job on this track, it takes the cake for the schmaltz component. (Note: It only just now occurred to me that Miss Smith is almost certainly a grand-daughter of Michael's; now I feel bad, but it doesn't necessarily change my mind. Then again, I don't have children.) The only other unfortunate addition to the album is thankfully a short one. Bono is featured in a minute-and-a-half spoken word piece called The Darkest Midnight. It contains the unfortunate stanza: "We'll sing and pray that God, as always, may our friends and family defend. God grant us grace in all our days, Merry Christmas and a happy end." One isn't clear if the U2 frontman, or Smith for that matter, is calling out to God to "defend" everyone, or only Christians.

The album ends with a splendid cover of Peace, a song penned by brilliant Nashville singer-songwriter Beth Nielsen Chapman, and Michael McDonald, who joins Smith in this rendition. They do a fine job, though if you want to hear the song in all its glory, I highly recommend running to Amazon and buying Chapman's album Back To Love.

Overall, The Spirit Of Christmas is a masterpiece by Michael W. Smith. I highly recommend ordering it online, downloading it from iTunes, or picking it up at a mainstream music shop or Christian bookstore. The perfect album for the season.

4.5 stars out of 5.

Mark Andrew Nouwen

Making The Breast Out Of A Situation

This morning as I was scrolling through my Facebook feed, I happened upon a post by a nearby radio station, which featured a censored topless picture of a model. The reason that the radio station posted it (and they posted it in a positive light, along with other, non-nude photos), is because the model, Daisy Lowe - pictured here - happens to be the daughter of rock star Gavin Rossdale, frontman of the band Bush. The photos were taken for the magazine Hunger. Of course, as nudity almost always seems to do, its appearance - even under the shroud of censorship - has caused a bit of a kerfuffle online over its appropriateness.

I am not aiming to write a scholarly article about nudity or nude photography, but here's a few thoughts:

1. While I think that it is vital that young girls are taught that their value does not merely lie in their body or physical appearance, I also don't believe young girls should be taught to be ashamed of their bodies, or sexuality for that matter.

2. There seems to be a certain double-standard when it comes to nudity and nude photography. Many of the same women who are outraged over female nudity have no problems watching and re-watching Magic Mike or gazing at at least half-nude photos of Channing Tatum, Adam Levine, or other studmuffins.

3. For those who argue "covering up" from a religious standpoint (man, am I ever getting sick of writing about religion), it must be noted that in the mythical Genesis account, Adam and Eve were perfectly comfortable being in the buff. It was only after they ate of the forbidden fruit (and thus somehow "fallen") that they felt the need to cover up. With this rationale, wouldn't it be more admirable to shun clothing altogether, as a sign of a return to lost innocence?

4. I think that in an ideal world, we wouldn't need to cover up nearly as much as we do. Unfortunately, sexuality and the separation of physicality from the whole of human experience has led to an often crude or shame-based view of nakedness rather than the natural, beautiful thing that it is. And since so many minds have been perverted, our young girls must be protected from those who would do them harm, and women must continue to be empowered to be seen not as "just a piece of meat."

5. Having considered these things, should we continue to be ashamed of, or even revolted by the human body? And who sets the rules? Should women be allowed to wear skirts that are cut above the knee, and if so, how high? Should women even be allowed to wear pants? Unbelievably there are still places where they can't. When a man is photographed without his shirt on, how high do his pants or shorts have to be? Is it ok to see the outline of the bulge in his pants, or no?

6. To end off on a bit of a lighter note, I'll share a comment from a woman on Facebook who was reacting to the mentioned photospread. It reflects what I think as well to a point - though the last time I checked I don't have female anatomy.

"Omg people! Grow up! They are tits! I have them, you have them, if you don't like the way you look, change it, she looks amazing! Good for her!"

Mark Andrew Nouwen