Waterloo, Ontario
Do you ever feel like you're living someone else's life, like that of a victim when you'd rather be living as anything but?
I have found myself in the wrong place before, figuratively and literally.
Over 10 years ago I had a drinking problem. More accurately, I had a serious anxiety problem and used alcohol to numb out. It got so bad that, as a bartender at the time, I began to slip shots of vodka into my orange juice, and drink beer and wine after my shift - anything to keep the anxiety at bay. Long story short, I got caught, and on the way up the stairs from my change room, I fell and bruised myself up pretty badly, to the point where I was carted off by ambulance in front of my co-workers. That was a real treat.
So I thought that I would check out an AA meeting that was held at a church just down the street from my place.
That first night I walked into the lower level of the Lutheran church and there was a small group of people sitting around a table. So my first experience with Alcoholics Anonymous had begun, right? Well, after sitting down and listening to a few of the people sharing, I soon realized that I was entirely in the wrong meeting. I wasn't in Alcoholics Anonymous, rather, I had meandered into Sex Addicts Anonymous! I was politely directed to the larger group down the hallway. I will never forget this!
Be careful which doorway you walk through.
So, do you ever feel like you've walked through the wrong doorway and are living a life that is more like drifting and settling rather than being passionate and intentional? Maybe it's because you weren't encouraged as a child, maybe you lived through abuse. Perhaps you were told that you'd never amount to anything. Maybe you deal with crippling mental or physical illness that drags you down and has done so for years.
Recently I've been thinking about this and how I don't want my past abuse or my current mental health struggles to determine where I am going in life. I don't want to continually walk through the door of half-steps and half-measures, settling in for a life of mediocrity. So how do we get ourselves out of these ruts that we find ourselves in?
Sometimes we need close friends to remind us of our goodness and potential. Sometimes we need a good therapist who really deeply listens. But for me, I think it's about listening to the still small voice that urges me to walk through doorways of boldness and not timidity, courage and not cowardice.
Wherever you are on your journey, I hope you can find yourself living a life that fulfills you, one of intentionality.
I believe in you. I love you.
mark andrew
