When You Can't Find The Words

I've read somewhere that a writer should never stop writing, even when the product is mediocre at best (or perhaps shitty at worst?) So, although I don't really have anything much to write about, here I find myself on the Blogger app at a quarter past eleven on an early spring night. Spotify is on random - so far I've been accompanied by Patty Griffin, Bing Crosby, and The Beach Boys.

Sometimes I look back at where I was 10 years ago and at what I was writing on this blog. There were a lot of posts regarding religion, and just as many about "not giving up on your dreams." Ah yes, I used to be a big dreamer. I also used to be involved in quite a lot more than I currently am. I'm thinking primarily of my time as LGBTQ Rep for Kitchener Centre's NDP, and then there was the It's My Turn movement, whose goal was to destigmatize mental illness. I appeared on local radio and tv and met with mayors and members of provincial and federal parliaments. Those were the days. Maybe you knew me back then, maybe not.

But let's go back to the dreamer. I would say that one of my biggest problems now, 10 years on, isn't so much that I've given up on my dreams so much as it is that I have pretty much no ideas what those dreams are. It's a conundrum for sure. There are shelves full of books about how to pursue your dreams, not so many about figuring out what your dreams actually are. 

I guess one thing I would say to spur myself on a bit is: Get involved, and be part of a community or communities. Don't isolate. Now, this is kinda tricky with the ongoing pandemic, which has changed me more than I like to think. To this end, I took initiative to lead a book club at my new church (we read Wholehearted Faith by Rachel Held Evans), and I felt mostly comfortable attending said church in person for the first time on Good Friday. They seem like good people there, and I'll likely get more involved with time as I settle in. 

We weren't meant to be all alone. Again, the pandemic has been a real bitch in that we've had to self-isolate and be cautious about being around anyone. 

But still I wonder, as Rhiannon Giddens beautiful rendition of Forever Young plays through my earbuds, what are my dreams? I don't have answers to that big question tonight, except that I feel a little closer by just asking the question. Self-expression, using your voice however brittle may be a key to solving this quandary. Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga agree with me just now.

Goodnight.

Thoughts on God, Atheism, & My Current Wanderings

Greetings friends, 

Inspired by the blogpost of a dear friend I have gratefully reconnected with, fueled by Beau's Lugtread Lagered Ale, and with the music of Canadian duo Whitehorse in the background, I thought I would attempt writing a blogpost of my own for the first time in a year.

Last night as I waited outside my new church for someone to arrive with keys, it struck me that I've been on quite a religious and spiritual journey. How did I come to call a Mennonite church home, of all places?!

I left Christianity twenty years ago now, opting to throw the baby out with the bathwater as it were, not knowing that there were other ways to be Christian than conservative evangelicalism. As some of you reading this can attest to, I went through several years of being rather angry and bitter towards my past beliefs and some people who still held them. Facebook was a place for me to vent, and in doing so in my thirties in particular, I alienated several friends and even a couple family members. 

I am very grateful to have stumbled upon the local Unitarian congregation some time around 15 years ago. It gave me a community to call home, and it was (is) a place with a social conscience. It looked similar to Christian churches that I had been part of. On Sunday mornings there was music, children's time, offerings, and a sermon. I was privileged to deliver sermons on three occasions (a couple of which can be found on YouTube). It gave me a place to grow and to question and to not have to come up with the "right" answers. Also, most importantly, I met one of my best friends there. I long for the day when he and I can once again share a bottle of red while singing together.

Fast forward to today. Just prior to coming here to write this, I saw this Rich Mullins quote on Facebook:

"I am sure that God is good, that God is real, and that God is love... that life is a gift and an adventure and we all do the best we can. We're all in this together and we're all weirdly alone too. Be thankful. That I guess is about all I can think of to say." (September 1995, two years before the Christian songwriter and artist would tragically die in an auto accident.)

Me with my bent glasses last night. :)

Last night as I stood outside of the church on a cold early spring evening, and then inside at book club (we're reading Rachel Held Evans' last book Wholehearted Faith), I reflected on where I currently am with my religious beliefs. 

I may be the "anti-Mullins" as I write this. I am not sure that God is good, or even that God is real. To be truthful - and in blogposts one always has to be truthful! - I would say that 75% of the time I don't believe that God even exists. 

Why on earth then would I start calling myself a Christian again, as I did two years ago come this May? Why in heaven's name would I find myself attending a Christian church?

You see, it's because I can get behind the teachings of Jesus and how revolutionary and counter-cultural they were and are. What's more, I long for a spiritual path that I can attempt to follow. And attending a church again provides community. This church that I have only attended online since the pandemic began is heavily focused on peace and social justice and reconciliation, actually making a difference in their community and world. Also, they've went through the affirming process and welcome LGBTQ+ folks into the community (something that is essential to me). 

However, talk of God as if its reality is as sure as air or water is still quite foreign to me, almost as if someone is speaking another language when they refer to God Almighty as their best friend. I just see very little evidence especially of an interventionist God, someone who doles out blessings and dishes out trials and tribulations. It baffles me when people are quick to praise God for the former, yet let him off the hook for the latter. Heartache and loneliness and mental as well as physical illnesses tell me that there is no such interventionist deity. What's more, there are countless atheists who exemplify "Christian" values more than said God-believing Christians do.

So, all this to say that I am fairly happy to be in the place where I am spiritually and religiously at the moment. Finding community with other people who want to have a positive impact on the community while following the way of Jesus, in a place where there is a lot of room for doubts, even of the existence of God.

Thanks for following along. I'll try not to wait another year before posting again.

Mark-Andrew