When You Can't Find The Words

I've read somewhere that a writer should never stop writing, even when the product is mediocre at best (or perhaps shitty at worst?) So, although I don't really have anything much to write about, here I find myself on the Blogger app at a quarter past eleven on an early spring night. Spotify is on random - so far I've been accompanied by Patty Griffin, Bing Crosby, and The Beach Boys.

Sometimes I look back at where I was 10 years ago and at what I was writing on this blog. There were a lot of posts regarding religion, and just as many about "not giving up on your dreams." Ah yes, I used to be a big dreamer. I also used to be involved in quite a lot more than I currently am. I'm thinking primarily of my time as LGBTQ Rep for Kitchener Centre's NDP, and then there was the It's My Turn movement, whose goal was to destigmatize mental illness. I appeared on local radio and tv and met with mayors and members of provincial and federal parliaments. Those were the days. Maybe you knew me back then, maybe not.

But let's go back to the dreamer. I would say that one of my biggest problems now, 10 years on, isn't so much that I've given up on my dreams so much as it is that I have pretty much no ideas what those dreams are. It's a conundrum for sure. There are shelves full of books about how to pursue your dreams, not so many about figuring out what your dreams actually are. 

I guess one thing I would say to spur myself on a bit is: Get involved, and be part of a community or communities. Don't isolate. Now, this is kinda tricky with the ongoing pandemic, which has changed me more than I like to think. To this end, I took initiative to lead a book club at my new church (we read Wholehearted Faith by Rachel Held Evans), and I felt mostly comfortable attending said church in person for the first time on Good Friday. They seem like good people there, and I'll likely get more involved with time as I settle in. 

We weren't meant to be all alone. Again, the pandemic has been a real bitch in that we've had to self-isolate and be cautious about being around anyone. 

But still I wonder, as Rhiannon Giddens beautiful rendition of Forever Young plays through my earbuds, what are my dreams? I don't have answers to that big question tonight, except that I feel a little closer by just asking the question. Self-expression, using your voice however brittle may be a key to solving this quandary. Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga agree with me just now.

Goodnight.