“There is something in every one of you that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself. It is the only true guide you will ever have. And if you cannot hear it, you will all of your life spend your days on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls.” ~ Howard Thurman
Soundtrack - Margo Price - Midwest Farmer's Daughter
Lyle Lovett - Lyle Lovett
It's a chilly Halloween Day here at Chapters/Starbucks here in Waterloo, Ontario. I've just finished my first Starbucks Pumpkin Spiced Latte of the season, and am following it up with a Pike Place roast. I just moved back here to Waterloo Region a handful of days ago, and already the language of Starbucks is coming back to me. It's not medium, it's grande.
As it is every day, I am experiencing a degree of anxiety. Living with generalized anxiety disorder is not fun. As I said in last night's blog, it feels the way you would if, while driving down the highway, you were confronted with a transport truck barreling down the wrong side of the road toward you. Except with GAD, you pretty much feel that way all of the time. Unease, panic, having a hard time being in the present moment.
Today is a particularly rough day. From the time I woke up I have felt a degree of panic. "Well, what's wrong? What are you panicking about?" That's the thing. People with GAD don't need a reason to be panicked, we just are. Part of this feeling is very familiar; it's the same way I felt while living in a verbally and emotionally bruising and unstable household. Back then I had good reason to feel panicked as voices were raised and doors were slammed. However, now I am 39 years old, I'm not living in an abusive situation, yet the same feeling remains.
It's at times like this when I find it almost critical to listen to my inner voice. I think we have two voices within ourselves, one positive and one negative. The negative voice is strong and pulls me farther from my true self. It's an earworm that says things like, "You'll never amount to anything," "No one could ever really love you," "Look how pathetic you are compared to everyone else around you." And it goes on and on. It's the voice that says "You'd be better off if you were dead." This voice, these messages can sometimes be crippling and they add to the feeling of panic. This voice is the devil on one of my shoulders.
The positive voice can be called many things: the inner voice, the Higher Self, perhaps The Holy Spirit for some people of faith. For me, I call it my authentic self or Higher Self. It's the angel on the other shoulder. It says reassuring things like "You are worthy of being loved and of loving," "I'm proud of you for getting out of bed today," "Have confidence in yourself," "Stay here, right now, in the present moment." And so on and so on.
Listening to the inner voice, the authentic self, is particularly essential for me as I live with GAD and PTSD (are there any letters that I'm missing?). These messages are what keep me going, what keep me alive on this planet. That and good friends, good music, and a good drink. For a long time, until somewhere in my twenties, my inner voice took a back seat to what I thought my god wanted of me. I would be obsessed (oh yes, I forgot OCD) with what I thought this god thought of me and how "he" wanted me to act. I had been taught that humankind was originally sinful and that rather than trusting ourselves (or any inner voice which might be authentic), I had to trust in this god. My voice was always secondary. It wasn't safe to listen to, let alone obey my authentic self, within my household and within my religion. Thankfully, my views on the nature of humankind changed over time, and I have bent my ear toward my own authentic voice. It's the voice that says "You are wonderfully unique and I love you," "There is nothing to be afraid of right now," and so on. It's the voice that urges me toward boldness and confidence rather than panic and fear.
I hope that wherever you are in your life, whatever you wrestle and struggle with, that you will be able to take time today to listen to the angel on your shoulder and kick the devil's ass.
Mark Andrew
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