Moving Forward When You're Scared To Death

Generalized Anxiety Disorder feels a lot like if you were headed down a busy highway and all of a sudden a transport truck was barreling down the wrong side of the road, about to hit you. Imagine that panic, and then imagine how I feel almost 24/7.

Good Evening. It will come to no surprise to most who are reading this that I suffer from mental illness. For those who need a refresher, I suffer from complex PTSD, general anxiety disorder, and major depressive disorder. I used to be very public about it, even starting a campaign years ago, the goal of which was to destigmatize mental illness. That was when I was very active - in my congregation, with a political party, and otherwise. But things changed approximately 4 years ago and what I thought would be a week or two rest-stop at a family members house turned into me seeking help down there in that small city and relocating there for 4 years. During those 4 years I saw an individual therapist, attended at least 4 or 5 different therapy groups, and juggled around with my medications (with the aid of a psychiatrist). I reconnected with family which was great, but lost connection with most of the friends I had made in the larger city.

What some people don't realize, especially those who don't suffer from a mental illness personally or even have a family member or friend who suffers, is that often, mental illness does not go away. At least that's my experience with it. It's the gift that keeps on giving and giving and giving. It's relentless.

For those who aren't familiar with complex PTSD, it's different from "regular" PTSD in that it is "a psychological disorder that occurs as a result of repetitive, prolonged trauma involving harm or abandonment by a caregiver or other interpersonal relationships with an uneven power dynamic." While I'm sure genetics are somehow involved, my "repetitive, prolonged trauma" came at the "hands" of my father. I put hands in quotation marks as my father never hit me, it was all verbal and emotional abuse and abandonment. (Note: I am glad that my father is in so many ways a changed man and that we have a pretty good relationship today). But it subsisted throughout my entire childhood, so the trauma was severe. It is said that "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me," but that is just a lie. Words matter. Unspoken words matter too.

The main symptom of my complex PTSD is a severe case of generalized anxiety disorder. There are at least 6 symptoms of GAD, including:

• Excessive worrying and tension - For me this means being anxious about almost everything and worrying about everything, from family and friends, to my health, to a job or lack thereof, etc.
• Tiredness & Difficulty Sleeping - For me this means having a level of fatigue 24/7. Some of this is caused by the medication I take, but some of it is just due to the fact that my mind is constantly worrying about something. Like a hamster in a wheel.
• Headaches - Luckily for me this is one symptom that has escaped me.
• Problems Concentrating - For me this means that certain menial tasks such as reading a few pages in a book is very hard, or sitting down to write a coherent blog post as I hope this one will be. Performing tasks are exceedingly difficult because I am always concentrating on what I should be worried about.
• Frequent bathroom trips - Again, for me this is one symptom that has escaped me.
• Irritability - This can sometimes mean that miniscule problems seem larger than they really are.

This video does a pretty good job of describing my life. I will write more below the video:

So where am I today? A few days ago I moved back to the city where I had a lot of friends, involvement in my congregation as well as political party. I got to feeling very isolated where I was and knew that a change was in order.

While I am excited about the prospect of seeing old friends and making new ones, GAD is always there, mixed in with bouts of depression. Simple tasks like re-learning the bus system or getting to know where the grocery store is amp up the stress levels to near panic. GAD feels a lot like if you were headed down a busy highway and all of a sudden a transport truck was barreling down the wrong side of the road, about to hit you. Imagine that panic, and then imagine how I feel almost 24/7. It's exhausting, it truly is a suffering. Some people prefer to say that they "live with mental illness," or are "fighting mental illness." I call it for what it is: a suffering.

I write this blog tonight in order to express myself, and also give you a glimpse of what living with complex PTSD and particularly GAD looks like. For now I am telling myself "Small steps, Mark Andrew, small steps. Try to live in the present moment and complete tasks as they come; don't obsess over them in advance. This is really hard for someone with GAD. The reality is that I am living in a nice home and already connecting with people I care about. It's just hard to see that reality sometimes.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Mark Andrew