It shouldn't come as a real surprise that this would happen. In fact, I'm pretty sure I've sunken into a depression several times shortly after Christmas and New Years are over. This year is no different. Maybe it's because I look forward to, and enjoy, the holidays so much, with all the strings of lights, the lit-up tree, the movies and the kitschy music. Maybe it's just a natural let-down. Maybe it's because the specter of 2.5 or 3 months more of darkness, cold and snow are ahead. Whatever it is, this feeling sucks. I've felt it coming on for the last week or so, and today it's obvious. Depression is visiting me again.
I notice when I'm depressed because the actual feeling of depression is rather rare for me anymore. I mean, I can and do get very down with a poor outlook, but the actual physical feeling of depression is more than often staved off by a concoction of medications. I'm thankful for said meds, but there's a significant drawback: the inability to feel deeply, namely the inability to shed a tear, when a good cry might be all that I need some days.
During times like this I feel purposeless, hopeless, directionless, and kind of a waste of space. These are longstanding feelings/outlooks that I've had for probably 15 years or so. It is absolutely true that once you're an adult it is your responsibility to find healing from the trauma you may have faced earlier on on your life. But that doesn't make it fucking easier. Over the years I've tried individual and group therapy, CBT, DBT, mindfulness groups, even brief hospitalizations to try to move on from the trauma and abuse that I lived throughout my childhood/formative years. But there seems to be some trauma that therapy or meds or a positive outlook or spirituality cannot touch. If you were to ask me several years ago what the tangible effects of my trauma were, I'd list off my psychiatric diagnoses: major depression, generalized anxiety, a touch of OCD just for the hell of it, and complex PTSD.
Complex PTSD is the most recent and most accurate diagnosis for me. Unlike regular PTSD (which I hear is also a nightmare), complex PTSD happens when someone experiences prolonged trauma over a long period of time, not just on one occasion. Depression and anxiety often ensue. But another thing that can result, and this is the case with me, is that a person can feel adrift, rudderless, without purpose. STUCK. That's the truth about me, there it is folks. Behind the puns and the inspirational religious quotes that I post on social media, there's this feeling of being lost in a deep wood without a compass of any kind. There are myriads of self-help books out there that aim/promise? to help you achieve your dreams and goals. But here's the rub: What if you have no idea what your dreams or goals are? Find me a book or guru talking about that and I'll owe you a coffee!
All in all, it's a more than frustrating place to be in, and a positive outlook just seems next to impossible on some days. Today is a rather bad one.
Thanks for journeying along with me by reading this, and for your friendships, which truly does make a huge difference in my life. I don't know where I'd be if not for my close friends and family. You know who you are.
Whatever you may be dealing with today, I offer my love and support. I'm only a message away.
Mark-Andrew
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