5:59pm
Waterloo, Ontario
sanctuary: any place of refuge; asylum.
Memes. We all love them. Ok, not all of us love them, especially when they implore us to "Like" and "Share" them. However, yesterday my friend posted a meme that I rather liked. It simply read: "Be the type of person that makes everyone you come across feel perfectly okay with being exactly who they are."
Yes, I believe that each of us can be a sanctuary for those around us. I hope that you have 2 or 3 people, or even 1 person that is a sanctuary, a refuge for you. You know, someone that you can be completely real with, without feeling the need to put on false pretenses or masks.
What does it take for someone to be a sanctuary? I think it requires a few different things. One of them is owning yourself. How can we be a sanctuary for other people if we haven't given ourselves that inner place of refuge. A place that can hold all of our fears, anxieties, our wounded inner child. This requires time and some effort (and often therapy). If we are always running, always busy, and never stopping to pay attention to our shit, our fears and anxieties will continually surface in the form of anger, jealousy, always having to have the last word, etc. If we haven't tended to our own wounds, how are we supposed to be truly present when sitting with a friend in need? Now, does this mean that we have to have it all together before being a good friend to others? Of course not, but I think we need to be in the process of tending to our own needs. The late Catholic priest and author Henri Nouwen speaks of "crying inward" lest we continually spill our pain and rage onto others and expect them to heal us.
I think that another requirement for being a sanctuary to those around us is that we need to practice deep listening. Do you ever notice that, during conversations with friends or acquaintances, we don't really hear what the other person is saying? Instead we often are merely waiting for the other person to stop talking so that we can say what is on our minds. This isn't deep listening. Going back to our own journeys, how can we be good or deep listeners of other people if we continually run away from the dark places within us, if we aren't listening to ourselves? Some of us will do anything to run away from our dark places. We have so many things around us that can distract us - our computers, television, Facebook, Twitter, books, music, video games. Now, sometimes we need these distractions for a moment if our pain is too deep to face, but at some point our dark places are going to catch up to us if we don't tend to them, if we don't listen to them. When we have taken the time to listen to ourselves, as hard and wrenching as that can be, we can truly be present when we are with other people. Instead of being in inner turmoil when we are in another's presence, we can sit with them and truly hear what they are saying to us.
As a good friend of mine pointed out to me, being this type or person, a sanctuary as I call it, does not mean taking responsibility for another's feelings or actions. It is not our responsibility to make others feel good. But I do think that it's incumbent on us to try to make them feel welcome and safe. Now, it may not be possible to help someone feel safe with us if a person's turmoil and anxieties are so overwhelming that they cannot receive our offering of a peaceful presence. But even in this scenario, we can offer a non-judgmental presence. We can let others feel all the shit they're feeling and not insist that they put on a mask or "buck up and be happy."
As I end this particular blog entry, I ask myself two important questions:
1) Am I doing the work that I need to own my own pain so that I can present with others?
2) Am I truly listening to others when I'm in a conversation, or am I simply waiting for a chance to say my piece?
I hope that you have a sanctuary or sanctuaries in your life. I love you.
mark andrew
