Is It Possible To Overdose On God?

Good Evening. The music is loud, and I'm tempted to line dance, but I'll refrain.

Sunday School and services on Sunday mornings, Bible studies on Wednesday nights, youth group activities on Friday nights. Christian student clubs at elementary and secondary schools, and three years of Bible college to boot. And that's not counting the thousands of hours spent reading religious books, watching Christian movies, and listening to Christian music, as well as having countless conversations about God/religion/faith

Is it possible to overdose on God? I say that it is. I have a hard time reading posts about God or Christianity when they come across my Facebook feed. They're everywhere, and I get that because many of my FB friends are Christians. There are prayers, prophesies, declarations, and of course the worst ever - the posts that say "share this or you're denying God."

There was a meme or post that I stumbled upon a few weeks ago that simply asked, "What food from your childhood were you forced to eat that you just can't stomach today?" For some it was creamed corn (eww), for others it might be porridge or liver and onions.

You can see where I'm going with this. "Were you forced during your childhood to believe in Jesus/God?" Let me say this. I believe that my parents were doing what they truly thought best for me by having Christianity be such a huge part of my life. It was what they had been taught, and what their parents and grandparents had been taught. However, let's think about this for a moment. When you're faced with a belief system that basically says, "Believe in Jesus/God or else you're going to a place of eternal torment called Hell," doesn't that sound like a forced decision to have to make?

Almost everything was God this, Jesus that when I was growing up. There was no explanation of other faith systems so that I could explore them for myself and decide whether I believed in one of them or not. It was all Jesus all the time. So much so that it's hard for me to stomach these days. And it's too bad, because the person of Jesus sounds like a pretty kick-ass, turning tables, revolutionary kind of guy.

I also believe that, for some - not all - religious belief can be a mental illness, or that mental illness can be exacerbated by religion. For instance, incessant prayer over perceived sins or shortcomings can not only reach the border of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, it can jump over the line. It's called religious scrupulosity.

Common Scrupulosity OCD obsessions include:

Fear of living a life of sin or one that God wouldn’t approve of.
Fear of doing something that doesn’t align with your moral or ethical standards.
Constantly wondering if you’re praying enough or the right way.

Common Scrupulosity Compulsions include:


Excessive prayer.
Saying the same prayer over and over again until a state of certainty has been achieved. You feel as if God would approve of the amount.

Reassurance.
Seeking constant reassurance from God.

Excessive reflection.
Making sure that you haven’t said something God would blasphemous.

Going to church or temple.
Constant visits to places of worship.

Confession.
Excessive confessions to a priest, rabbi, other clergy or even a significant other.

Thoughts of unholiness.
Having natural associations that you think are unholy and offensive to God.

I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I suffered from religious scrupulosity for about 21 years or so. I already struggled with OCD in other areas of my life, like checking and washing rituals, and this constant God-talk provided me with something else to be obsessed with and utterly consumed with. It's awful to live under the threat of "believe this or else." Some would say that if I had just trusted God's grace that I wouldn't have such problems, but the thing about being a fundamentalist Christian, I found, was that not only were you supposed to say the magic words ("I confess I am a sinner and I accept Jesus as my Lord and Saviour.") but that you then had to make sure to be a good Christian, whatever that meant. It was my duty to pray regularly, read Scripture daily, and adhere to a list of do's and don't's that was seemingly endless.

Is it possible that religious belief is toxic for some people like myself?

Is it possible to overdose on God?

What do you think?

It's Such A Good Feeling To Know You're Alive

Hi friends,

Late this afternoon I went to see Won't You Be My Neighbor, the "Mister" Fred Rogers documentary. Those of you who know me know that Mister Rogers continues to be a hero of mine to this day, so I was excited to learn more about him and to revisit my old friends including Daniel the Tiger, King Friday, Lady Aberlin, and Mr. McFeely.

For me, Mister Rogers in particular was a shining light, a beacon in an otherwise tumultuous, stormy childhood. I could also compare him to a lighthouse. When things were particularly chaotic in my household, and even to this day when I'm having trouble, I can always go back to Mister Rogers simple but vital message that "You are special exactly the way you are." It certainly wasn't a flashy show with lots of bells and whistles. Perhaps that is what made it special. Mister Rogers didn't talk down to children, but got onto their level and knew that kids are a lot smarter than sometimes we give them credit for. He tackled topics such as death and divorce, and somehow made me feel safe in his quiet, unassuming way.

There were a few times during the hour and a half documentary when I had tears in my eyes as his loving message penetrated through to my heart once again. As I was walking out of the theater, I thought "This is the kind of film that makes me want to be a better man." But I quickly corrected myself. This was a film that reminded me that I am already good, already special enough, just the way I am.

If you have a chance, go see Won't You Be My Neighbor. 

mark-andrew

Turning 40: Silencing The Inner Critic

The deceiving inner critic is the closest thing to a devil that I have experienced.

The Inner Voice of Love is, in comparison, akin to The Holy Spirit.

Good afternoon, it's been awhile. I hope that those of you who are reading this are doing well and enjoying your day. It's a perfectly sunny summer day, with the temperature hovering around 21; ah, if every day could be like this. I find myself at Tim Hortons drinking something that sort of resembles coffee. Oh Starbucks, how I miss thee!

I turn 40 a week from today, and I keep wondering when the panic or mid-life crisis is going to set in. But I've realized something. I already went through my mid-life crisis a couple of years ago (does that mean I will die at 76?) It is a relief to be able to come upon such a milestone birthday and be able to enjoy it in the present moment, rather than worrying about getting old.

Still, as 40 approaches, and has been the case for most of my life, the inner critic seems to always be there. Sometimes it lays dormant for a short while, sometimes it bellows. Perhaps you are personally very familiar with what I'm referring to. It says things like:

• "Look at what everyone around you has accomplished. You're a failure in comparison."
• "You're a joke, a fraud."
• "You're lazy."
• "You should have owned (insert here) or had this relationship with (name here) by now."
• "You're ugly."

There are a myriad of other things that the inner critic says. At its worst, it says, "What's the point of going on? You've failed and you're never going anywhere. Why not end it all?"

I haven't believed in the devil/Satan in a very long time, nor do I today. But perhaps this negative self-talking inner critic is the closest thing to "The Deceiver" as we can experience. 

During the times when we are being deceived, or even tormented by the inner critic, we would do well to attend to the angel on our other shoulder, or what I (like the late priest and author Henri Nouwen) call the Inner Voice of Love. This is the voice that says things like:

• "You are worth far more than you can imagine."
• "There is no one quite like you. You are a unique gift to the world."
• "Stop comparing yourself to others."

Perhaps the phrase that this inner voice of love most regularly says to me is "Be gentle with yourself." The inner voice of love is the closest thing to the Holy Spirit that I can imagine.

What does your inner critic, your "Deceiver" say to you? What helps you to breathe and to listen to your higher inner voice instead?

On the verge of 40, my higher voice is telling me to start a meditation practice (for me, it's probably a walking meditation - just spending time in nature and taking the time to breathe).

Wherever you find yourself in life, I hope that you know that you are more than what your inner critic says you are.

mark-andrew

Is Forgiveness Always Healthy?

Must we forgive whenever someone does us wrong? Forgiveness was perhaps "the" central word that was emphasized to me when I was growing up in the Christian church. We were to forgive one another, even turn the other cheek when someone did us wrong. But mostly, forgiveness was central to the Christian story. It was Jesus' reason for being. God sent his son to earth in human form in order for him to make the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. Jesus was nailed to a wooden cross, his side pierced in our stead, for our transgressions. Even 15 years after I stopped believing in the evangelical church's interpretation of the Jesus narrative, I am still emotionally compelled by it. I still vividly remember sitting through Good Friday services and having tears stream down my face as members of the church portrayed centurions marching up the center aisle. And then came "Jesus," carrying his cross, stumbling under exhaustion, with "blood" dripping down his face from the crown of thorns that pierced his head. I wept for him, but even more so out of guilt because I put him there.

But this post isn't primarily about my shift of how I view the Christian Easter story or who Jesus was, it's about forgiveness in general. I do think that the idea of forgiving others comes largely, at least for me, from the huge influence of Christianity, but I have a couple other views that I have been presented with and have been thinking of in recent years that I'd like to write about.

1) Forgiveness is something that you do more for your own well-being, than it is for the person who has done you wrong.

I think there's some creedence to this idea. Basically, it says that by forgiving wrongs done to us by others, we let go of the bitterness, anger, or hatred that we may hold inside ourselves. By forgiving, we do ourselves a service, even if the person is dead or no longer part of our lives. It can give us a sense of letting go - not forgetting - but letting go as much as we possibly can of that bitterness.
However, my own problem with this is that if we see forgiveness in this light, then it shouldn't be called forgiveness. It could be better, and much healthier, to call it for what it is - "letting go" or "releasing." These are very personal things that we do primarily for ourselves, and that's perfectly OK.

2) Perhaps an even more radical idea is that sometimes we do not need to forgive at all.

This may seem to, and may indeed actually fly in the face of much we have been taught and believed about the subject. But perhaps sometimes it may not be possible - or more importantly healthy - to forgive. This may be temporary, or long term. By saying that we forgive someone, or by "deciding" to forgive someone who has caused us harm, especially devastating harm, we may feel we are doing the honourable and right thing, but it can also serve to further bury our valid emotions of anger, bitterness and hurt, which must be respected and given room to breathe. I can be wronged by someone and not wish them any future pain or ill will, but still be unable or unwilling to forgive them. We must dig deep into our hearts and psyches and visit our dark places, and sometimes "deciding to forgive" someone may whitewash this important, pivotal process. The important thing to come to know is that if we consciously realize that we simply can't forgive someone - either immediately or long-term - it doesn't make us a bad person.

Wherever you are on your journey, I wish you peace, mercy, and grace - toward yourself.

"The Oversoul" by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ralph Waldo Emerson, Unitarian philosopher (1803-1882)

Let us learn the revelation of all nature and thought; that the Highest dwells within us, that the sources of nature are in our own minds.

As there is no screen or ceiling between our heads and the infinite heavens, so there is no bar or wall in the soul where we, the effect, cease, and God, the cause, begins.

I am constrained every moment to acknowledge a higher origin for events than the will I call mine.

There is deep power in which we exist and whose beatitude is accessible to us.

Every moment when the individual feels invaded by it is memorable.

It comes to the lowly and simple; it comes to whosoever will put off what is foreign and proud; it comes as insight; it comes as serenity and grandeur.

The soul's health consists in the fullness of its reception.

For ever and ever the influx of this better and more universal self is new and unsearchable.

Within us is the soul of the whole; the wise silence, the universal beauty, to which every part and particle is equally related; the eternal One.

When it breaks through our intellect, it is genius; when it breathes through our will, it is virtue; when it flows through our affections, it is love.

Ten Commandments of Jay Moore

1. Thou shalt recognize and value empathy in yourself and in others.

Empathy is a biological reaction in our bodies in response to the condition of other humans or of other sentient beings. In our bodies, we may feel as others feel. Empathy is the physical basis of our emotional attachment to others.

2. Thou shalt be compassionate.

Based on empathy, kindness and compassion are calls to action to recognize and aid in the suffering of other beings and the preservation of the planet.

3. Thou shalt be just and encourage and support justice in the world.

Like compassion, this is a call to act in ways that contribute to justice and fairness in the world. We are all one race. We are all one family.

4. Thou shalt love.

Love is the greatest gift and it can be offered to those with whom we are closely bonded or to others in the world for whom we act with compassion.

"Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, is not boastful, is not arrogant, is not rude, is not self-seeking, is not irritable, and does not keep a record of wrongs. Love finds no joy in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." (Paul's letter to the Corinthians)

5. Thou shalt take responsibility for one's own thoughts, feelings, beliefs and behaviour. Thou shalt not take responsibility for the thoughts, feelings, beliefs and behaviour of others.

Others do not have the power to make us feel, think or believe anything. We do not have the power to make others feel, think or believe anything. Each of us owns our own mind and are responsible for it. Specifically, feelings are transient, psychological conditions that reflect a subjective, internal, temporary reaction at a point in time but will change with new experience and reason.

6. Thou shalt strive for peace.

"If there is to peace in the world, there must be peace in the nations.
If there is to be peace in the nations, there must be peace in the cities.
If there is to be peace in the cities, there must be peace between neighbours.
If there is to be peace between neighbours, there must be peace in the home.
If there is to be peace in the home, there must be peace in the heart."
(Lao Tse)

7. Thou shalt strive for truth.

The search for truth includes curiosity, learning, questioning, evaluating and continual change and growth. Truth is relative. No one source or revelation holds absolute truth.

8. Thou shalt say what you mean and mean what you say.

Speaking your truth and standing by what you say affirms who you are to yourself and others. It requires courage.

9. Thou shalt believe only what you deem to be true in your own mind based on reason through consideration of experience, evidence, observation and analysis while keeping an open mind to new information and experience.

"Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumoured by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of teachers, elders or doctrines. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. Believe only what you yourself judge to be true." (Kalama Sutta)

"I will not believe in my heart what I will not accept with my reason." (Jay Moore)

10. Thou shalt accept the mysteries: the mysteries of origins, the mysteries of consciousness, the mysteries of the unknown, the mysteries of science, the mysteries of life and the mysteries of death.

Despite the efforts of science and religion to explain these mysteries, we are faced with them whenever we try to address unanswered questions in the material world and in the non-material world.

6 April 2018

Learning To Deal With Our Own Pain

It seems these days like we have opportunities at every turn to spill our guts. I find this particularly true of Facebook and Twitter, as these are sites that I have used, but there are a multitude of others. Facebook and Twitter can be a good way to spread important information in a split second, but they can also become places where we go to bleed freely and attempt to have our wounds licked.  It seems that some people  - and I have been guilty of this in the past - immediately hit social media when something bad or something good happens to them. Today I'm thinking more about the bad.

How many of us have taken to our computers when we're really lonely and we cast the Facebook net out there hoping that we'll catch someone's eye who will take away our loneliness? How many of us tweet madly hoping that others will be impressed by the agility of our thumbs and respond in some way?  This can come in lieu of  a lost relationship, a lost job, lost faith. More than often we would do better to keep our own secrets and learn to be held by the few close people around us - friends, family, therapists, rather than walk around bleeding.  While posting everything on the web for all to see, or by sharing our innermost pain with strangers, we may feel temporary relief, but eventually we will may feel like others are walking away with parts of us..

The late Catholic writer Henri Nouwen wrote a piece called "Own Your Pain" in his personal journal The Inner Voice of Love:

"The main question is 'Do you own your pain?' As long as you do not own your pain - that is, integrate your pain into your way of being in the world - the danger exists that you will use the other to seek healing for yourself. When you speak to others about your pain without fully owning it, you expect something from them that they cannot give. As a result, you will feel frustrated , and those you wanted to help will feel confused, disappointed, or even further burdened.

But when you fully own your pain and do not expect those to whom you minister to alleviate it, you can speak about it in true freedom. Then sharing your struggle can become a service; then your openness about yourself can offer courage and hope to others.

For you to be able to share your struggle as a service, it is also essential to have people to whom you can go with your own needs. You will always need safe people to whom you can pour out your heart. You will always need people who do not need you but who can receive you and give you back to yourself. You will always need people who can help your own pain and claim your struggle."

I am being challenged today to 1) go inside to the place of pain and find healing within instead of displaying my pain to the whole world, and 2) to be held by the certain few people in my life who will take me as I am.

mark andrew

Re-Thinking Easter: What If We Aren't Wretches?

Here we are again nearing the Easter season, and throughout progressive Christian churches and circles you will hear sermons and read articles which try to shed a different light on the Jesus story. They will focus on liberation theology, how Jesus’ mission was to reach out to the marginalized, and how he was so inwardly free that he was able to give himself up totally, even to the point of death. Many of these sermons and articles will hold a measure of insight and truth.

But this isn’t that kind of article.

This evening a Facebook friend of mine who I attended a fundamentalist Bible college with posted one of those dreaded meme’s – you know, a cutesy or even powerful picture with an equal cutesy or powerful/insightful quote. But it’s holy week, so the flippancy and absurd nature of such meme’s have found their way into my Facebook feed. This particular meme featured a picture of Jesus on the cross, accompanied by a quote by the American Calvinist theologian and author R.C. Sproul. The quote reads as follows: “Why do bad things happen to good people? That only happened once, and He volunteered.”

There it was – the essential message of fundamentalist Christianity this time of year. In order to raise up Christ, we must naturally denigrate every single human being who ever lived or who ever will live. The rest of us are bad boys and girls who deserve a spanking – an eternal spanking at that. Some fundamentalist evangelical Christian preachers and authors thus become bully-enablers.  Jesus is the most powerful person on the playground, and you must submit to his awesomeness at the expense of your own dignity.

I don’t know about you, but I’m so over the idea of original sin. Does anyone actually still believe that a long time ago in a place far far away (to most of us), a woman was given a piece of fruit by a talking snake, and that this woman then handed it to her husband, who upon taking a bite, ensured the filthiness and depravity of each and every person who would ever live from that time forward? (It was also probably convenient for the author of the creation myth to blame “Eve,” simply on the basis that she was the subordinate woman.)

Ever since this teaching of the fall of humanity became popular and then vastly accepted as traditional Christian doctrine, guilt and shame has been burned, etched into the psyche’s of those of us who were fortunate enough (tongue-in-cheek) to grow up within fundamentalism. “Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving!” as Bishop John Shelby Spong is fond of saying.  We are wretches, worms, unworthy of gathering up the crumbs from God’s table – that is, until the supposedly perfect Jewish Christ relented and finally granted the Gentile woman her wish after a clever reply that she managed to give.

This guilt complex has often invaded us at almost every level and in almost every instance at one point or another in our lives. Not only have we often heard from one or both parents that we’re a “bad boy” or a “dirty girl,” but it is reinforced with a divine devastation. We’re guilty of acts of commission, we’re guilty of acts of omission. We’re guilty for being sexual beings, we’re guilty for using our brains and questioning our pastors or a centuries-old worldview. We’re guilty for only praying for 15 minutes and not 20.

If we’ve had religious guilt pounded into our psyche’s and hearts by those we consider our holy leaders, it has seemed only natural that we turn to them for some way – ANY way – out of our dire predicament in order to escape this earthly guilt as well as eternal hellfire.

And so we bought into the idea of blood atonement. Many of us heard and sang about the blood of Jesus so much growing up that we were practically "brain-washed in the blood" of God’s only son. And it seemed like a perfectly natural idea, probably because it drastically reduced (at least for a fleeting time) our unbearable guilt complex. However, once we give up the notion that every person within every belief (or non-belief) system must be redeemed through what was originally an ancient Jewish atonement ritual, the grotesque and macabre nature of the crucifixion story begin to be realized. Growing up as a fundamentalist Christian teenager (the word Christian has been bastardized by others such as Paul, but I digress,) I joyously and fervently sang hymns like “Nothing But The Blood Of Jesus,” “Power In The Blood,” and “The Solid Rock (My Hope Is Built On Nothing Less).” I had no problem with the imagery.

Today it seems bizarre and, again, grotesque. The only way for all of humanity to be saved is to be “washed in the blood” or “cleansed by the blood”?  It sounds like something more out of the latest horror film than it does out of any sane and rational thinking. As Spong points out, Catholics drink the blood (with the official doctrine stating that when one partakes in the Eucharist, they are literally drinking the actual blood of Jesus,) while Protestants choose to immerse themselves in it.

Another disturbing element of the Easter story which I never questioned at all when I was a fundamentalist was the idea that God the Father sent his only begotten son to die on the cross for my (and the whole world’s) sins. Perhaps you are familiar with the popular modern hymn “How Deep The Father’s Love For Us." Its first verse reads: "How deep the Father's love for us/How vast beyond all measure/That He should give His only Son/To make a wretch His treasure."

Basically, God the Father loved me – ME – so much that he put his son in my place on the cross. Here are two questions: Is such a supposedly all-powerful and great God unable to forgive to the point where he needs shed blood to atone for sin? Secondly, is this not a dolled-up, glorified example of divine child-abuse?

The holy week, including the crucifixion and Easter may or may not be salvageable. Re-interpreting the symbols and language may be fulfilling for you.  A message which focuses on Jesus’ inclusive, compassionate, and loving nature may help a lot of people, as well as his penchant for a refreshing downward mobility. But for me, the long-told stories often bring anger and frustration, as the “good news” of Easter only further excludes non-Christians such as myself, as well as those who Jesus may very well have died for.

For the fundamentalist, there is no room at the foot of the cross or at Christ’s table  for the untouchables. Those who are called the heathen, the the unbelievers, the queer - we shrug our shoulders and look for a welcoming home elsewhere, a home where we will not be called wretches.

mark andrew

What Do You Hear When You Finally Stop?

Good afternoon, I hope your Monday is going well and that you're recovering from setting your clocks forward on the weekend.

I have traveled out of the city for a week in order to relax and spend some time with family and friends.

This afternoon I found myself alone and just needing to rest and be quiet.

What do you hear when you finally stop?

What do you feel?

These can sound like basic questions, but the answers can be telling. For some of us, we rarely do stop and listen to what our inner voice or our bodies are telling us. We're busy with work, appointments, weekly engagements, taking care of the kids, all sorts of things.

What's more is that when we aren't busy we find ways to avoid checking in with ourselves. We fire off a tweet or text, or jump on Facebook for sometimes hours at a time. All of this can be exhausting, even though technically it is our "down time."

So this afternoon I just layed on the couch in silence, allowing whatever feelings that were there to come up to the surface without judgment.

This afternoon the feeling in my body is one of deep sadness and grief. And that's ok. I can't quite nail down why exactly I feel this way, and that's ok. It's just important for me to give permission for these feelings to be here. They won't be here forever, they'll pass, but for now I'll sit with them. I'll put on some sad music, not in order to sulk, but to in a way honour what and how I'm feeling.

Have you stopped today? What are you feeling? What is your body and inner voice saying to you?

Finding God In The Face Of Everyone

Good Evening, I hope you've had a good day.

Lately I've been thinking what an interesting thing it is to hear people talk about "finding God" or "getting closer to God" as if spiritual enlightenment is something that must be chased after like some hidden treasure.

For me, God used to be confined to a few things: the Bible, Sunday worship services, times spent in prayer, times of worship in song.

These days, when I think of God, which I confess are further and farther between now, I think of God (or the Divine, or Spirit) as being in each moment, and everywhere around me. I can no more successfully find God than I can successfully find air. If I were a fish, I would not have to search for water, because it would encompass me.

To me, each and everyone and each and every thing is encompassed in God. I see God in times spent in nature on trails. I see God in the love that people have for their family members as they gather around their hospital beds. I see God in the beauty of other people and in intimate times spent with a significant other. I see God in the snowflakes as they gently fall.

I am not a pantheist; I don't believe that everything is God. Rather, I am what the late author Marcus Borg termed a panentheist - that is, everything is in God.

Going further, during my time in a religious movement called Unity, I learned that everything and everyone on this earth is connected, or one with God. Today I can say that I believe that I am an expression, or an extension of God in the world. Some believe that God makes herself known only in a specific person, such as Jesus, or Muhammed, or the Buddha. I, however, believe that God is in the face of everyone I might come across during the day.

The bank teller, the transit driver, the barista, the mailperson. Female, male, trans, gay, straight. The poor, the wealthy. If I look close enough, I can see that God is in everyone and everyone is in God.

I leave you with a simple, beautiful poem by Denise Levertov.

the avowal

As swimmers dare
to lie face to the sky
and water bears them,
as hawks rest upon air
and air sustains them,
so would I learn to attain
freefall, and float
into Creator Spirit’s deep embrace,
knowing no effort earns
that all-surrounding grace. 

Happy International Women's Day 2018!

Mom & I

Good Evening, I hope all of you had a good day.

I’d like to wish all of the phenomenal women in my life a very Happy International Women’s Day.

There are many amazing women that come to mind tonight. Of course there’s my Mom, who is the strongest woman that I know while still maintaining an open and sensitive heart. I have learned so much from her life story (some of which you’ll hear about in an upcoming blogpost!). Her resilience and decision to choose happiness despite much adversity is a shining beacon in my life.

I also think of other relatives in my life, like my Aunt Donna, who is the most giving person I have ever known. Her grace is an inspiration to me. There are cousins (shout out to Trish who I am very close with), family members who have since passed on, so many remarkable women that I have been privileged to call family. I am proud to be your (relation here).

Tonight I also think of the new and old friends in my life who are paving ways for women locally and around the world. Whether they be in the political world or on the forefront of women’s rights, their drive and determination inspire me. I feel lucky to be associated with them.

Below is a snippet of a blogpost that I wrote several years ago on International Women’s Day:

“I have seen much strength and am amazed by women.  Many of them go through drastic transitions, seemingly turning their whole life upside down.

They leave the security of a job they've held for years and start their own business.

They get involved in community projects that impact those around them.

They make the heart-wrenching adjustment as their kids leave home.

They finally leave a marriage that has been unfulfilling or toxic for years and start out on a life of their own.

They start exploring their spiritual and artistic sides that perhaps lay dormant for years.

Some do a combination of the above, undergoing a complete life change even though it is as scary as hell.

You want to see courage and strength? You don't necessarily have to search out a firefighter or a police officer. Just look to the important women in your life, no matter what their age may be. We can all learn from these inspirations.”

Tonight I also think of my wonderful friend who is transitioning into her female self, and the courage and persistence and bravery that it must take. 

I also think of the thousands up on thousands of women who are standing up and saying enough is enough, #MeToo, and #TimesUp!

To all my female-identifying friends tonight, I want to say thank you so much for all I have learned and continue to learn on a daily basis from you. 

I love you,

mark andrew

This Clean, Free Feeling

You are not around anymore
You have vacated your post
Still I feel held like never before

I believe in so much less than I used to
And in turn believe in myself and so much more

When I let go of your chains of freedom
I realized I was never lost and now I'm found

You had the whole world in your hands
Except the Jews, the atheists, the Muslims and the gays
Without you the world just got a whole lot bigger

I am not perfect, but I am no sinner
And I wouldn't trade my soul for this clean, free feeling,

~ mark andrew

You Are Enough To Keep A Man Alive

something in me refuses to die

could it be the god within my heart

or your wickedly mischievous smile

you are enough to keep a man alive

giving into the sway of the rock n roll

reaching down into my scarred tired soul

your hips are enough to quiet these voices

that say enough already

words escape me

your eyes entice me

someone once told me that lust is a sin

i flip them the bird and dig deep in

i find salvation in you.

That Time When I Gave Up On Giving Up

Maybe you're a little like me. Once upon a time you dreamed big dreams, you envisioned yourself in a career or a relationship, or pursuing that thing that you were passionate about. You were young and you were awkward and your clothes didn't always match, but that didn't matter, because your ego hadn't completely taken over and you were still impervious to the World of Success and Dream-Crushing. When you were three, maybe you wanted to be a fireman or princess; when you were sixteen, maybe you wanted to travel to Africa and set up malaria clinics or be a Hollywood actor.

But at some point, you gave up on your dreams. Maybe it was the Dream-Crushing World, or maybe it was one or two people who beat you down, little by little each day, and you learned, like me, to settle. Yes, you showed signs of passion and inspiration, because the light inside never really dies, but storm clouds became the norm. First it was a few days without seeing the sun, then a few weeks, and then maybe twenty years. Life refused to slow down to let you somehow get out of this stunned and shocked feeling, in fact it sped up as you began to get a little older.

Your dreams became mere fantasies rather than a life that was achievable. Somewhere in there, you learned to retreat deep into your head, over-thinking your obsessions, and obsessing about your over-thinking. Living turned into thinking.

Whatever the reason that it happened, it happened. Maybe it was a result of being the ugly duckling at school. Maybe it was major depression and other mental illnesses. Maybe it was a parent, like the one at the coffee shop today who looked at her maybe-seven-year-old boy and told him "Stop being a friggin' ass, you're never coming here with me again." Maybe someone stole your innocence when you were completely powerless.

Have you settled? Have you given up? Giving up can take many forms and it has many faces. Maybe you stay in bed everyday until two in the afternoon and refuse to get help. Maybe you carry yourself very well in a decent career, but quietly you hate it and wonder "How did I ever get here?"

As long as there is breath, there is something in our favour. There is choice, and a chance to start dreaming again. What is it that you want to do? Who is it that you want to be? When will you allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to fall madly in love, even if it means getting your heart broken?

I'm not sure of a whole lot of things today. But in a week, in a month, in a year, I can look back and say, "Remember that time when I gave up on giving up?"

mark andrew

Scraping Off The Mud That Hides The Light

How long have you been caked in mud? I'm not talking about dirt, the kind that you can quickly shake off like a Taylor Swift song; I'm talking about deep, dense mud that you've either covered yourself in or had flung at you by someone else. Maybe you think that this is all there is to life, that your ship has sailed, that happiness, even contentment is something for those other people, but not you. You're just surviving, and it seems that's all there ever will be. I do not have a magic potion, I can not snap my fingers and send you back in time to a place when you felt unsullied and non-violated by the spindly cold fingers of that someone, or that system that kept you from shining the light inside. But I can stay here and say that no matter how dark, no matter how grim things may seem, or actually may be, that light is still inside each and every one of you. It may take time to uncover it, to scrape off the mud, but it is there. As much as you may have tried to go it alone, to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps - something that we often hear is a noble thing to do - that is just another lie. We need others - others who will confirm our inner light even when we can't see it, others who won't provide easy answers, but will sit there with us as we scrape off the mud. The late priest and author Henri Nouwen was wise when he wrote that we must be careful where and with whom we share our pain. If we are not on the road to healing - be that through professional help or some other aid - we may soon find ourselves bleeding all over the place and feeling that many people are walking away with different parts of ourselves.  Cry inward, he writes, and the inner light that you do still possess will eventually pierce the darkness.

This is not the end, no matter how dark, dank, and devastating as this may be. Let us begin again and again and again.

I love you.

mark andrew

The Cold Hands Of Technology

11:45am

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how, although technology and the internet have made the world a smaller place, in some ways they've also made the world a colder place. (I realize the irony of the situation, writing about the negatives of technology while on my computer...and online.)

We all have friends who are basically e-friends, or Facebook friends. We also have friends that are text friends. The days of phoning a friend, or even regularly getting together with friends, seem to be waning. We tell ourselves that we're too busy or that it's too awkward to have anything more than e-contact. Either that or we just don't put the effort into it.

All of this can leave us feeling isolated and lonely if we don't have a circle of friends, or even one or two friends, that we get together with regularly.

I find many e-conversations to be frustrating and cold. They can give the illusion of being close with someone, while maintaining quite the distance from them. Do you ever have text conversations that take days, if not weeks to complete? I find this to be difficult. I send a text off asking a question or suggesting that we get together in real life, and then I don't hear from some people for days or weeks. Yes, it's all so cold.

E-friendships can have their benefits though, such as when a friend moves away, or if you're trying to meet new people or a partner. Introverts can be particularly appreciative of such friendships.  I have an introverted side to me.

But I know that I need face-to-face, real connections with people. I need to be in the company of people, to see their mannerisms, their facial expressions, to have eye contact with them. I think we are meant for relationship, for connection with people. To that end, I'm thankful to be getting together with a good friend for coffee today, and for a new volunteer opportunity that will get me out and interacting with more people.

Are you ever left feeling empty by e-friendships? What do you find to be the strengths and weaknesses of such interactions?

I hope you're having a good day. I love you.

mark andrew

Fences, Pills, and Possibilities

The other night I picked up the refill of my prescription for an anti-anxiety medication that I've been on for several years. There was nothing special about the pick up - I simply showed my ID to the pharmacist and made my way home.

My diagnoses are major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and complex PTSD. I have suffered from mental illness since I was a child. Mental illness runs up and down both sides of my family tree like a blight, so it’s not surprising that I too would face “the black dog.”On top of genetics, all throughout my childhood I was a victim of punishing verbal and emotional abuse.
I have tried every anti-depressant known to humankind it seems, and have been hospitalized on three occasions because of my illness.

But as I entered adulthood, it seemed that I finally came to a crossroads, or as I call it, a fence.

For years I have been sitting on a fence of sorts. On one side of the fence lies death, specifically death by my own hand. On the other side of the fence is a life where I listen to my inner voice which tells me that I have a lot to offer to the world and to act boldly, to stop living such a small life.

I sat on that fence again the other night after picking up my medication. I had two options available to me as I held the open pill bottle in my hand. The first option was something I have considered hundreds, if not thousands of times. It consisted of throwing the entire bottles worth of pills (along with my other prescriptions) down my throat and hopefully ending it all. The second option was to stop living a life of half-steps and second-guessing, a life where my past abuse defines me. To live a life where I listen to that persistent inner voice which calls me to be the best version of myself that I can be. In that moment, holding that pill bottle, I knew that sitting on the fence was no longer an option for me. Doing so had been killing me slowly for years. The fence brought some level of comfort, but the trade-off was a life of constant fear and indecision.

Perhaps you find yourself at a crossroads, or sitting on a fence like me. You've thought of suicide thousands of times but a still small voice inside of you tells you that there is more to life than fear and dread. I get it, I've been there as recently as last night. If you can't hear your inner voice right now, listen to the voices of those around you who know you best, the people who know that you have a whole hell of a lot to offer this world. You may need therapy, medication, or a caring community to awaken from the nightmare. Do whatever you need to do to get off that fence.

I believe in you. I love you.

The Universe Isn't Bringing Us Anything (So Go Ahead & Live)

1:17pm

Cafe 1842 - Waterloo, Ontario

Good afternoon. It's a balmy -2 celsius outside today, and I find myself at one of my favourite cafes drinking javanilla coffee and munching on a banana nut muffin. I'm also perusing my Facebook feed, and this little nugget of "truth" just came into my view:

Really? Wow! You mean that all my worries are soon to be extinguished, all my needs met? All I have to do is relax and trust and "watch how fast" the universe works on my behalf? That's great! 

There's just one problem.

It's bullshit.

This meme (strange, aren't all memes usually 100% true?) isn't the only one going around with the same sentiments. There are others that say things like "Everything happens for a reason" or "Trust that everything will work out in the end."

There was a time several years ago when I connected with and loved sayings like this. I was part of a spiritual community, a sect of Christianity, that was very much about positive thinking and The Secret. If you're unfamiliar with the book, it basically deals with the rather fishy "law of attraction." Basically if you hold an idea or thought in your mind and "put it out to the universe," said universe will bring it to you. I went to workshops that recommended creating vision boards. Basically you put pictures of what it is that you desire (i.e. a new car, a new job, a vacation, a bigger bank account, better health, a partner), you look at it every day, and the universe will conspire to eventually bring them to you.

There was only one problem. 

It didn't work.

It's a lovely thought that the universe is working on your behalf, isn't it? That someThing, someOne, someWhere is working overtime in order to grant your wishes. 

The only problem with this line of thinking, besides it not working, is that it abdicates us from our responsibilities to make tough choices and to make our lives into what we want them to be. There is something to be said for having an optimistic outlook on life, but we take it a step too far if we start expecting a Lamborghini to show up in our driveway with Scarlett Johansson in the drivers seat (I'm still holding out hope for that one...)

Some people wait their entire lives for life/the universe to bring them something, without taking any practical steps to making their lives better or their dreams come true. Life is rough, cold, and dark sometimes; perhaps that is why people resort to messages like those in the above meme. I would also say that this is why people choose to enact petitionary prayer to a god. We are often faced with things like illness, violence, and poverty, and we wish with all our hearts that there is someThing, someOne, someWhere looking after us and conspiring to make things better.

I am slowly learning that we have a responsibility to do with our lives what we will, to act rather than wait for god/the universe to bring things to us. I wish it weren't true. I wish that my good thoughts and intentions were all that was needed to have a fulfilling life. But they're not. 

Instead, we have to do what we can with what we have, and grab life by the balls and live.

mark andrew

Be Careful Which Doorway You Walk Through

9:20pm
Waterloo, Ontario

Do you ever feel like you're living someone else's life, like that of a victim when you'd rather be living as anything but?

I have found myself in the wrong place before, figuratively and literally.

Over 10 years ago I had a drinking problem. More accurately, I had a serious anxiety problem and used alcohol to numb out. It got so bad that, as a bartender at the time, I began to slip shots of vodka into my orange juice, and drink beer and wine after my shift - anything to keep the anxiety at bay. Long story short, I got caught, and on the way up the stairs from my change room, I fell and bruised myself up pretty badly, to the point where I was carted off by ambulance in front of my co-workers. That was a real treat.

So I thought that I would check out an AA meeting that was held at a church just down the street from my place.

That first night I walked into the lower level of the Lutheran church and there was a small group of people sitting around a table. So my first experience with Alcoholics Anonymous had begun, right? Well, after sitting down and listening to a few of the people sharing, I soon realized that I was entirely in the wrong meeting. I wasn't in Alcoholics Anonymous, rather, I had meandered into Sex Addicts Anonymous! I was politely directed to the larger group down the hallway. I will never forget this!
Be careful which doorway you walk through.

So, do you ever feel like you've walked through the wrong doorway and are living a life that is more like drifting and settling rather than being passionate and intentional? Maybe it's because you weren't encouraged as a child, maybe you lived through abuse. Perhaps you were told that you'd never amount to anything. Maybe you deal with crippling mental or physical illness that drags you down and has done so for years.

Recently I've been thinking about this and how I don't want my past abuse or my current mental health struggles to determine where I am going in life. I don't want to continually walk through the door of half-steps and half-measures, settling in for a life of mediocrity. So how do we get ourselves out of these ruts that we find ourselves in?

Sometimes we need close friends to remind us of our goodness and potential. Sometimes we need a good therapist who really deeply listens. But for me, I think it's about listening to the still small voice that urges me to walk through doorways of boldness and not timidity, courage and not cowardice.

Wherever you are on your journey, I hope you can find yourself living a life that fulfills you, one of intentionality.

I believe in you. I love you.

mark andrew

Fences, Pills, And Possibilities

I had two options available to me as I held the open pill bottle in my hand.

4:06pm
Cafe Pyrus - Kitchener, ON

The other night I picked up the refill of my prescription for an anti-anxiety medication that I've been on for several years. There was nothing special about the pick up - I simply showed my ID to the pharmacist and made my way home.

My diagnoses are major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and complex PTSD. I have suffered from mental illness since I was a child. Mental illness runs up and down both sides of my family tree like a blight, so it’s not surprising that I too would face “the black dog.”On top of genetics, all throughout my childhood I was a victim of punishing verbal and emotional abuse.
I have tried every anti-depressant known to humankind it seems, and have been hospitalized on three occasions because of my illness.

But as I entered adulthood, it seemed that I finally came to a crossroads, or as I call it, a fence.

For years I have been sitting on a fence of sorts. On one side of the fence lies death, specifically death by my own hand. On the other side of the fence is a life where I listen to my inner voice which tells me that I have a lot to offer to the world and to act boldly, to stop living such a small life.

I sat on that fence again the other night after picking up my medication. I had two options available to me as I held the open pill bottle in my hand. The first option was something I have considered hundreds, if not thousands of times. It consisted of throwing the entire bottles worth of pills (along with my other prescriptions) down my throat and hopefully ending it all. The second option was to stop living a life of half-steps and second-guessing, a life where my past abuse defines me. To live a life where I listen to that persistent inner voice which calls me to be the best version of myself that I can be. In that moment, holding that pill bottle, I knew that sitting on the fence was no longer an option for me. Doing so had been killing me slowly for years. The fence brought some level of comfort, but the trade-off was a life of constant fear and indecision.

Perhaps you find yourself at a crossroads, or sitting on a fence like me. You've thought of suicide thousands of times but a still small voice inside of you tells you that there is more to life than fear and dread. I get it, I've been there as recently as last night. If you can't hear your inner voice right now, listen to the voices of those around you who know you best, the people who know that you have a whole hell of a lot to offer this world. You may need therapy, medication, or a caring community to awaken from the nightmare. Do whatever you need to do to get off that fence.

I believe in you. I love you.

On Being Thankful, & Spicy Hummus Wraps

2:21pm
Queen Street Commons Cafe - Kitchener, ON

Good afternoon. It's a balmy -13 degrees celsius out there, but I'm nice and warm inside this cafe, drinking dark roast coffee and just having finished eating a spicy hummus wrap. I have a lot to be thankful for.

When you're dealing with things like mental illness and poverty, thankfulness can be something that goes by the wayside. But I've really been feeling thankful lately, particularly when I step into the house that I'm living in after being out in the frigid cold. I have a roof over my head, a warm room, food to eat, a great friend as a flatmate.

Other things that I'm thankful for:

1. My circle of friends, both old and new. I am blessed with good friends who listen to me and understand me, and accept me for who I am.
2. A community that I can belong to; in my case Grand River Unitarian Congregation. It's a place where people with a wide array of religious beliefs - or no religious beliefs - can come and covenant to treat each other with dignity and respect.
3. My weekly meditation group that I've just begun to attend. It's a grounding experience to share silence with others in the midst of often noisy weeks.
4. My family. I have good relationships with my Mom, my brother, and perhaps most surprisingly my father. That's been a major change the last year or so. We have some milestones coming up this year. Mom turns 65 next month, Dad turns 70 in March, my niece Rachael becomes a teenager also in March, and I turn 40 (how did that happen?!) in July.
5. Good coffee, and plenty of cafes where I feel comfortable hanging out in.
6. Music. Lately it's been a steady diet of AC/DC and Bryan Adams, though today it's something a little softer - John Denver. Listening to John Denver makes me think of my Mom, as we have a tradition of playing crokinole and listening to his music.
7. Sexual and gender diversity. I'm thinking particularly of those friends of mine who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer. So often I find that they radiate authenticity and warmth and acceptance of me, perhaps because they often know what it is to be discriminated against.
8. Good beer. My all-time favourite being Aecht Schlenkerla Rauchbier, a German smoked beer that I first had when I traveled to Germany 10 years ago. It's available at many LCBO stores.
9. I'm thankful that baseball season is in sight. Go Jays!
10. Medication that works. While the side effects are a pain in the ass, the meds that I'm on help with my complex PTSD, major depressive disorder, and general anxiety disorder.
11. Humour. Because everyone loves my puns.
12. Being able to see quality movies at the Princess Cinemas and the Apollo. (Go see The Shape of Water!)

Yes, I have a lot to be thankful for. It's so easy to concentrate on what one doesn't have as opposed to what one does have. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my blogposts. :)

mark andrew

The Human Soul Simply Wants To Be Seen And Heard

4:00pm
Matter Of Taste Coffee Bar - Kitchener, ON

Greetings from downtown Kitchener on a drizzly, grey afternoon. I find myself at one of my favourite cafes, putting in time before meditation group starts later tonight. I hope you're doing well.

"The human soul doesn't want to be fixed, it simply wants to be seen and heard." ~ Parker J. Palmer

Do you feel like your soul is being seen and heard? In this city there are so many people, walking down the street, catching a bus, sitting in cafes. I wonder how many of them feel like they are really seen and heard. I don't mean noticed, I mean really seen and heard. Do you have people in your life who truly see you and hear you? Have you cultivated the kind of deep friendships where you can bare your soul and still be accepted, no matter how messed up you feel? Even if you're an introvert I believe that we need even one or two people who we can check in with periodically and truly be real with.

"The human soul doesn't want to be fixed." Often when we get together with friends, we'll spill out our problems, and naturally these friends will often want to fix them. Perhaps we do the same thing with our friends. Part of this is natural, because we want to help, we care about them. But I agree with Parker Palmer; the human soul doesn't want to be fixed, it simply wants to be seen and heard. It is not our job to mold anyone else into our image of what we think they should be. This is my problem with religious evangelism. I believe the soul is pure and knowledgeable all on its own; we can trust our soul. Religious evangelism, at least the fundamentalist Christian version, says that the soul is flawed and in need of saving. There are many well-intentioned religious people who think that they have the answers and they feel the need to share these answers with others. But the soul is wise, the soul is innocent, beneath any mire and muck that may be surrounding it. Wouldn't it be better if would-be evangelists learned to truly listen to others rather than attempt to sway them over to their point of view? Many years ago, when I was a teenager, I was an evangelist. I traveled with a team of people to a First Nations reserve with the goal of saving those who didn't have "the truth." How ignorant of me? What if I had simply listened to their stories and heard the truth of their souls instead?

I hope that you have friends in your life that truly see and hear you. I hope that you can trust your soul. I love you.

mark andrew

Pulled Pork, Lost Dogs, And The Devil's Music

I really don't like the term "pulled pork." That's all.

8:54pm
Waterloo, Ontario

Soundtrack: AC/DC - Highway To Hell

Good Evening,

First of all, AC/DC, where have you been all my life? Lately I've been seeking out classic rock, hell, even modern rock. Recently I've added some AC/DC, The Who, Audioslave, Melissa Etheridge, and Bryan Adams to my collection, with notions of adding some Led Zeppelin, Bon Jovi, etc in the near future. I grew up almost solely listening to Christian music, so you can imagine AC/DC wasn't exactly in the mix. But enough about that.

This will be a rather random entry, as it's one of those evenings where I feel like writing but don't really have a set topic to write about. So here goes...

1) Does anyone else have a problem with the term "pulled pork"? I mean, I like eating it, but I'm uncomfortable with saying it or even reading it.

2) Lately my Facebook news feed has been full of lost dog posts. I mean, I get that there are a lot of pet lovers out there, but it's getting a little annoying, just sayin'. (Somewhat related, I remember when I made the joke that whenever I see an Amber Alert, I look around for hot girls named Amber. My uncle wasn't impressed. Oh well.)

3) I turn 40 this upcoming July. It's a big number, and you'd think I'd be depressed about it, but I think I went through my mid-life crisis the last couple of years, and like measles, I'm hoping it isn't a recurrent thing.

4) Is there anything better than Sunday afternoon breakfast? On Sundays after attending my Unitarian congregation, I make it a habit to frequent a pub Uptown that serves breakfast until 2pm on the weekends. I always order "The Highlander," which is a nice way of saying "for those who want to eat absolutely everything, plus french toast."

5) Speaking of my Unitarian congregation, we have a new minister filling in while our regular minister is away on sabbatical for three months. All she had to do was to quote Pema Chodron and Thich Nhat Hanh, and I was won over.

6) I'm looking for a new wallpaper for my desktop. I currently have Mr. Rogers on my desktop. Yes, really. If you have any suggestions, feel free to leave them in the comment section on good ole FB.

7) I currently have 7 candles lit in my bedroom here in Waterloo. Somehow I think Norah Jones would be a more appropriate soundtrack right now, but this AC/DC album is just too good.

8) Tomorrow night I might go back to this meditation group that rents out the hall in my church on Wednesday nights. We sit in silence and then drink exotic teas, like Bengal Tiger Chai or some shit like that.

I'll leave you with this video which I found hilarious when I came across it yesterday:



mark andrew

On Being A Sanctuary For Other People

5:59pm
Waterloo, Ontario

sanctuary: any place of refuge; asylum.

Memes. We all love them. Ok, not all of us love them, especially when they implore us to "Like" and "Share" them. However, yesterday my friend posted a meme that I rather liked. It simply read: "Be the type of person that makes everyone you come across feel perfectly okay with being exactly who they are."

Yes, I believe that each of us can be a sanctuary for those around us. I hope that you have 2 or 3 people, or even 1 person that is a sanctuary, a refuge for you. You know, someone that you can be completely real with, without feeling the need to put on false pretenses or masks. 

What does it take for someone to be a sanctuary? I think it requires a few different things. One of them is owning yourself. How can we be a sanctuary for other people if we haven't given ourselves that inner place of refuge. A place that can hold all of our fears, anxieties, our wounded inner child. This requires time and some effort (and often therapy). If we are always running, always busy, and never stopping to pay attention to our shit, our fears and anxieties will continually surface in the form of anger, jealousy, always having to have the last word, etc. If we haven't tended to our own wounds, how are we supposed to be truly present when sitting with a friend in need? Now, does this mean that we have to have it all together before being a good friend to others? Of course not, but I think we need to be in the process of tending to our own needs. The late Catholic priest and author Henri Nouwen speaks of "crying inward" lest we continually spill our pain and rage onto others and expect them to heal us. 

I think that another requirement for being a sanctuary to those around us is that we need to practice deep listening. Do you ever notice that, during conversations with friends or acquaintances, we don't really hear what the other person is saying? Instead we often are merely waiting for the other person to stop talking so that we can say what is on our minds. This isn't deep listening. Going back to our own journeys, how can we be good or deep listeners of other people if we continually run away from the dark places within us, if we aren't listening to ourselves? Some of us will do anything to run away from our dark places. We have so many things around us that can distract us - our computers, television, Facebook, Twitter, books, music, video games. Now, sometimes we need these distractions for a moment if our pain is too deep to face, but at some point our dark places are going to catch up to us if we don't tend to them, if we don't listen to them. When we have taken the time to listen to ourselves, as hard and wrenching as that can be, we can truly be present when we are with other people. Instead of being in inner turmoil when we are in another's presence, we can sit with them and truly hear what they are saying to us.

As a good friend of mine pointed out to me, being this type or person, a sanctuary as I call it, does not mean taking responsibility for another's feelings or actions. It is not our responsibility to make others feel good. But I do think that it's incumbent on us to try to make them feel welcome and safe. Now, it may not be possible to help someone feel safe with us if a person's turmoil and anxieties are so overwhelming that they cannot receive our offering of a peaceful presence. But even in this scenario, we can offer a non-judgmental presence. We can let others feel all the shit they're feeling and not insist that they put on a mask or "buck up and be happy."

As I end this particular blog entry, I ask myself two important questions:

1) Am I doing the work that I need to own my own pain so that I can present with others?

2) Am I truly listening to others when I'm in a conversation, or am I simply waiting for a chance to say my piece?

I hope that you have a sanctuary or sanctuaries in your life. I love you.

mark andrew

Is It Possible To Overdose On God?

Is it possible that religious belief is toxic for some people?

10:48pm
Waterloo, ON

Soundtrack: Martina McBride - Greatest Hits
                    AC/DC - Back In Black

Good Evening. The music is loud, and I'm tempted to line dance, but I'll refrain.

Sunday School and services on Sunday mornings, Bible studies on Wednesday nights, youth group activities on Friday nights. Christian student clubs at elementary and secondary schools, and three years of Bible college to boot. And that's not counting the thousands of hours spent reading religious books, watching Christian movies, and listening to Christian music, as well as having countless conversations about God/religion/faith

Is it possible to overdose on God? I say that it is. I have a hard time reading posts about God or Christianity when they come across my Facebook feed. They're everywhere, and I get that because many of my FB friends are Christians. There are prayers, prophesies, declarations, and of course the worst ever - the posts that say "share this or you're denying God."

There was a meme or post that I stumbled upon a few weeks ago that simply asked, "What food from your childhood were you forced to eat that you just can't stomach today?" For some it was creamed corn (eww), for others it might be porridge or liver and onions.

You can see where I'm going with this. "Mark Andrew, were you forced during your childhood to believe in Jesus/God?" Let me say this. I believe that my parents were doing what they truly thought best for me by having Christianity be such a huge part of my life. It was what they had been taught, and what their parents and grandparents had been taught. However, let's think about this for a moment. When you're faced with a belief system that basically says, "Believe in Jesus/God or else you're going to a place of eternal torment called Hell," doesn't that sound like a forced decision to have to make?

Almost everything was God this, Jesus that when I was growing up. There was no explanation of other faith systems so that I could explore them for myself and decide whether I believed in one of them or not. It was all Jesus all the time. So much so that it's hard for me to stomach these days. And it's too bad, because the person of Jesus sounds like a pretty kick-ass, turning tables, revolutionary kind of guy.

I also believe that, for some - not all - religious belief can be a mental illness, or that mental illness can be exacerbated by religion. For instance, incessant prayer over perceived sins or shortcomings can not only reach the border of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, it can jump over the line. It's called religious scrupulosity.

Common Scrupulosity OCD obsessions include:

• Fear of living a life of sin or one that God wouldn’t approve of.
• Fear of doing something that doesn’t align with your moral or ethical standards.
• Constantly wondering if you’re praying enough or the right way.

Common Scrupulosity Compulsions include:

Excessive prayer.

Saying the same prayer over and over again until a state of certainty has been achieved. You feel as if God would approve of the amount.

Reassurance.

Seeking constant reassurance from God.

Excessive reflection.

Making sure that you haven’t said something God would blasphemous.

Going to church or temple.

Constant visits to places of worship.

Confession.

Excessive confessions to a priest, rabbi, other clergy or even a significant other.

Thoughts of unholiness.

Having natural associations that you think are unholy and offensive to God.

I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I suffered from religious scrupulosity for about 21 years or so. I already struggled with OCD in other areas of my life, like checking and washing rituals, and this constant God-talk provided me with something else to be obsessed with and utterly consumed with. It's awful to live under the threat of "believe this or else." Some would say that if I had just trusted God's grace that I wouldn't have such problems, but the thing about being a fundamentalist Christian, I found, was that not only were you supposed to say the magic words ("I confess I am a sinner and I accept Jesus as my Lord and Saviour.") but that you then had to make sure to be a good Christian, whatever that meant. It was my duty to pray regularly, read Scripture daily, and adhere to a list of do's and don't's that was seemingly endless. 

Is it possible that religious belief is toxic for some people like myself?

Is it possible to overdose on God? 

What do you think?

For more information and stories of people who have lived where religion blends into mental illness, check out this site.

Mark Andrew